Girl Shopping Part 2: The Initial Interview

Part 2 of our series on finding a spouse, takes us to the interview round. Today we'll focus on the initial interview, the screening round if you will.

 

After we've sifted through the profiles (resumes) of prospective matches, and identified one we felt had potential (how we identified the potential is still a mystery to me - most likely it was basis what her dad did for a living or the fact that she had two siblings abroad and they all owned their own businesses. The decision to meet the family has little to no bearing on the girl herself.), it's time to schedule the first round interview.

 

So the father of the groom calls up the father of the bride and they make arrangements to meet. Generally the first meeting will take place with the extended family, meaning an auntie or cousin, sibling, or ME will show up to meet the family and prospective match. It's likely the groom might not even come along, and if he does come along, he will most definitely not come face to face with his prospective partner during this initial meeting.

 

So we visit the girls home, her family is hospitable, they offer us a cool drink and some snacks, which even though I don't want, I take any way so as not to seem rude. Within a few minutes, the ladies are whisked off to meet the potential bride and the men are left to talk.

 

I've conducted hundreds of interviews in my life. Generally for a job interview, I can decide within the first 60 seconds whether I like the candidate or not. However, I feel a bit more time is needed when you're determining the next 60 years of someone's life.

 

The first several minutes of meeting any girl is so awkward. Everyone is just kind of peeking out of the corners of their eyes and smiling, while they size each other up. I think it would be much more effective if they put the girl up on a rotating stage behind a curtain. There could be trumpeters playing then "Wahlaa" Mom pulls the curtain back, the spot line aims at the girl, and there she is, spinning on stage in a grand display for everyone to see. Which really, is the purpose of this first meeting. It's completely superficial. We check out her dress, we check out her complexion. Does she have acne? Is she as fair in real life as she was in the pictures (the answer's no)? Does she wear glasses? How are her teeth? Is she a healthy weight?  We're essentially determining her breeding potential and the potential that she might pass down weak genes to offspring. Don't want that in the family. Never mind that the potential groom isn't exactly Bollywood hero material himself.

 

So after what feels like an eternity of staring each other down coyly, the questions will start. Again, completely superficial:

• What did you study in school?
• Do you have plans to work outside the home?
• What dishes do you know how to cook?
• Do you plan to take care of the house, or will you expect hired help?

Yep, that's about the extent of the questions. There's really not much more that gets asked.

With one girl we met, I was getting so irritated with her answers, that I started challenging her, and she would change her answer basis my challenge. Given the limited questions, I stuck to the script and I asked whether she planned to work outside the home. When she said "No it's been my lifelong dream to live for serving my husband." Okay she didn't say that but she might as well have. Then I asked her, "So if that's you're life long dream, why did you get an Engineering degree?" She hemmed and hawed and didn't really give an answer. So I told her, "You should consider working outside the home, you have an impressive education your parents spent good money on." Then she says "Oh yes, I'll work outside the home." Then I said "But you just told me your life long dream was to be a housewife." She says "Oh it is." Blah blah blah round and round we go. I'm quickly irritated with this complete and utter waste of time. If it were a candidate for a job interview, I'd dismiss them at this point so we could all get on with our lives.

 

Unfortunately in my experience, as soon as the above questions were asked, the tables got turned and the girl's family started asking me questions:

• Where was I from?
• When did I come to India?
• What did I do for a living?
• What company did I work for?
• What was my educational background?
• How many siblings did I have?
• What was my siblings education?
• What did my siblings do for a living?
• Were my siblings married?
• Were my parents in India?
• Where do my parents live (since the answer to the above is "No")?
• Are my parents working?
• What do my parents do for a living?
• When did I last go to the US to visit my family?
• How did I find India (as in, do I like it, not as in, can I locate it on a map)?

Wait a minute, who's getting hired, I mean married, here?

Generally my firing round would be interrupted by the father or brother of the bride coming to tell the ladies to come and sit with the men. This would mean a chair would get pulled up in the centre of the room, the girl would sit in it, and the guys from the groom's side would have a chance to ask her questions. Comfy, huh? Looks like we're just missing the trumpeters.

Generally, the men (and by men, I mean brother of the groom, never the groom) will have the following questions for her:

• What did you study in school?
• Do you have plans to work outside the home?
• What dishes do you know how to cook?
• Do you plan to take care of the house, or will you expect hired help?

Sound familiar? It's the same junk we already asked her.

 

Just like a job interview, she's going to give scripted answers. But unlike a job interview, she's going to give those answers: Keeping her head down at all times, never looking up, and never raising her voice above a whisper. This makes me CRAZY! I'm about as far from demure as they come. I cannot stand this damsel in distress routine. Speak up! We're deciding your life RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT. Take part in it! (Just for the record, this is the same advice I gave the groom.)

 

With hiring events, I average a completion rate of 12 per hour, with a selection rate of 20%. With brides, the stakes are a little higher. Especially considering that if someone you endorse, should the family decide on her, turns out to be a dud, it falls on your shoulders. After my first few interviews I swore I was done. I wasn't going to attend any more because they were so scripted, so fake, and so non-informative that I just couldn't see anything positive coming out of this experience. But, I committed, so I was in it for the long haul...

Hot State: Pregnancy Beliefs in India

As the second instalment of my Pregnancy in India series, where I first told you about how I was instructed to get pregnant (none of steps involving actual being with my husband), I'll share with you now some of the pregnancy beliefs in India. This is just a partial list of things that I find most interesting. If you have heard any others, please share them in the comments below.

How to avoid miscarriage:

• Avoid dead bodies: No matter how tight your relationship was with the deceased, the pregnant woman is not to get close to the body.
• Don't cross a river, especially in the dark. Doing so, you're at risk of the water spirit giving you bad energy.
• Don't visit any woman who has recently had a child. This too is believed to cause some bad spirit influence over the unborn.
• Keep your arms down: Raising your arms over your head or resting your hands on your head. This may result in strangling the child with the umbilical cord.
• Avoid egg, pineapple and, papaya. Some doctors will agree that un-ripened papaya can result in contractions but overall the medical industry considers the three to be safe as long as they are consumed in moderation.
• Hot Foods: Apply the list I shared with you in Food Myths and Mysteries and don't eat those things during pregnancy.

Bathing:

• Don't do it!: Pregnant women are discouraged from bathing. Considering we don't have hot water here, I'm not sure it's a temperature thing, which I've heard about even in the US.
• Washing your hair: Some believe women should not wash their hair for the first 7 months of pregnancy until they have a special religious ceremony. Not adhering to this could stop reincarnation, which happens through the head.

How to prevent birth defects:

• Avoid the eclipse: The wife should remain in bed and not even glimpse in the direction of the moon. 

  

  Courtesy of www.aaroads.com
• Avoid eye makeup: If the pregnant woman applies eye makeup, there's a chance her child could be born with the same look.
• The husband should not apply a talik to his wife (that's the smudge between the eyebrows), otherwise the child might be born with the same mark.
• Parting of the hair: The husband, should however, part his wife's hair three times from front to back during a religious ceremony to ensure "ripening" of the embryo.
• Locking and Unlocking: If during pregnancy, the wife has to lock and unlock things frequently (think doors) the child may be born with bent, weak fingers.
• Chopping wood: If the wife chops wood with an axe or breaks a wooden object, the child will be born with "marked" hands.
• Stamping or Printing: If any stamping or printing is done during the eclipse, the child will be born with an impression on their body.
• Sewing or stitching: These will cause birth defects.
• Lay Still: Moving or shifting too much from side to side while trying to find a comfortable sleeping position later in pregnancy may result in suffocation of the unborn.
• Do not travel in the even months of your pregnancy (i.e. 4th month, 6th month, 8th month).

Courtesy of www.foodlve.com

How to ensure a good lookin' baby (by Indian standards):

• Saffron and milk: Drinking this mixture will ensure a fair skinned baby.
• Oranges: Eating these while pregnant will also ensure a fair complexion in the unborn.
• Coconut is also consumed (basically any white colour food) to ensure a light skinned baby.
• Avoid Spinach: It will result in excessive hair growth for the baby.

How to predict the gender: In India, gender determining ultrasounds are against the law due to infanticide rates for female children. A few indicators relied upon to determine the gender of the unborn, subsequently are:

• Pimples: If you have a lot of pimples while pregnant, you're having a girl.
• Sweets: Eating more sweet food rather than sour food during pregnancy will increase your chances of having a boy.
• Carrying Low: You're having a boy.
• Small, round belly: You're having a boy.
• A glowing face: You're having a girl.

Ensure a smooth delivery:

• The mother should eat ghee (clarified butter) while pregnant to ensure a smooth delivery. The kid should slip right out.
• Avoid overeating: It will result in a large sized baby which will be difficult to deliver.
• Heavy Lifting: Doing a lot of physical labour during pregnancy will decrease the chances of having to deliver via a C-section and increase your opportunity for a natural delivery.
• Birthing methods are hereditary: If your mom had a C-section, you'll mostly likely have to deliver the same way.  

So there it is, in a nutshell, your basic guide to pregnancy in India. Do you have any other pregnancy beliefs to share? Do so in the comments below!

 

Biology Makes Babies

While I appreciate the comfort that prayers can bring, and I find value in praying for a lot of things, there's one thing that I have never believed could be answered in prayer. That thing is conception. Conception as in: The sperm meets the egg, the cells divide, the cells divide again, and whammo, nine months later you have a bouncing baby. Granted, once you find out you're pregnant I think it's super natural to pray. To pray for a healthy pregnancy, to pray for a healthy baby, to pray to keep your spouse safe. But prior to that, it's biology.

 

As the second most populous country in the world with a staggering 1.23 billion people, India certainly seems to have gotten the conception trick down. Lately, however, I have to wonder if many people really understand how it all works. The biology aspect I mean. Many women will bemoan the fact that they've been unable to get pregnant. Of the women that have expressed to me, their disappointment in not being able to get pregnant after marriage, one includes a woman who insisted her husband wear a condom every time they "met," another doesn't live with her husband and might see him for a day or two every few months, and a third gets her period twice a year and has never seen a doctor about it. Do the math. It's not rockets. It's not lack of prayers being answered. It's biology. Perhaps if it did happen for any of those women, it would be a miracle and completely change my mind on the topic.

 

Well, after being married more than a year, and no babies to show for it, drastic action had to be taken today. I was given very specific instructions. They included:

Fast: This means no food, no drink, no smoke, no sex. What one thing from this list is required to make a baby? Nope, can't do that.

Fruit: When it was time to break my fast, I had a very specific seeded fruit I was to eat, seed and all. It was brought from a dargah, which is a holy shrine. I don't know what kind of fruit it was but it tasted like a prune.

Water: After swallowing the seeded fruit, I was to drink water.

Food: After the water I was to eat a bowl of kheer, which is a sort of milky rice pudding.

Prayer: After the food I was to pray.

Recitation: There was a script that also needed to be recited, but as I don't read Arabic, I was S.O.L.

 

Doing all of the above is supposed to aid in fertility. Considering not a single act from the above list involves what I learned in my 5th grade Family Studies class, I can't say I'm convinced. Biology has to come into the equation somewhere. Yet it would seem that many here don't make that connection.

Putting all of your faith in the above would seem to me to make pregnancy almost impossible without a little physical contact with your spouse coming into the equation.

 

Wait until I blog about the superstitions pressed upon women during their pregnancy. It's amazing any babies are born here.