Girl Shopping Part 3: Follow Up Interview(s)

In my experience, families don't entertain more then one possible match a time. After the first interview, they'll take some time to decide whether they want to pursue the match they most recently met, and if the answer is no, then they'll look for another match. They don't generally have multiple first meetings before deciding on the follow up meetings.

Once they decide that they'd like to meet a girl and her family for a second time, meetings will take place usually in both the grooms and brides homes. Generally additional extended family members will be invited to help size up the situation. Sometimes the bride or groom will be part of the meeting as well.

These meetings are a bit more laid back, unscripted, and less formal. Although you're still expected to wear a fancy dress, because impressions are still being made and it's important that the entire family presents well (remember What Not To Wear).

Generally after this second and third visit (one to each household) a decision will be made. It's quite likely that the bride and groom still haven't been alone together to talk. We tried this with the family I was with, and after a few minutes, the sister of the bride went into the room with the bride and groom, and, worried that the groom was out numbered, I asked for permission to join them. Naturally the bride's sister was the one doing all the talking and the  bride and groom were just sitting there silent. So it ended up with just the brides sister and I talking.

I tried sharing some information about the groom, like about what kinds of things he was good at, what dishes he prepared well, thinking talking him up was a benefit at that point. After I got a sharp look from him, I realized it was better to keep my mouth shut. Then it got awkward, so I left them to their own devices. What do I know?

After we left, I asked the groom if he was upset with me for saying so much. He said not everything needed to be revealed before the wedding and that there should be some surprises for afterwards. I'm thinking that you'd want to put your strengths out there to help in the decision making, especially if you're interested in the other person. Don't you want to sell yourself a little? Again, what do I know?

Girl Shopping Part 2: The Initial Interview

Part 2 of our series on finding a spouse, takes us to the interview round. Today we'll focus on the initial interview, the screening round if you will.

 

After we've sifted through the profiles (resumes) of prospective matches, and identified one we felt had potential (how we identified the potential is still a mystery to me - most likely it was basis what her dad did for a living or the fact that she had two siblings abroad and they all owned their own businesses. The decision to meet the family has little to no bearing on the girl herself.), it's time to schedule the first round interview.

 

So the father of the groom calls up the father of the bride and they make arrangements to meet. Generally the first meeting will take place with the extended family, meaning an auntie or cousin, sibling, or ME will show up to meet the family and prospective match. It's likely the groom might not even come along, and if he does come along, he will most definitely not come face to face with his prospective partner during this initial meeting.

 

So we visit the girls home, her family is hospitable, they offer us a cool drink and some snacks, which even though I don't want, I take any way so as not to seem rude. Within a few minutes, the ladies are whisked off to meet the potential bride and the men are left to talk.

 

I've conducted hundreds of interviews in my life. Generally for a job interview, I can decide within the first 60 seconds whether I like the candidate or not. However, I feel a bit more time is needed when you're determining the next 60 years of someone's life.

 

The first several minutes of meeting any girl is so awkward. Everyone is just kind of peeking out of the corners of their eyes and smiling, while they size each other up. I think it would be much more effective if they put the girl up on a rotating stage behind a curtain. There could be trumpeters playing then "Wahlaa" Mom pulls the curtain back, the spot line aims at the girl, and there she is, spinning on stage in a grand display for everyone to see. Which really, is the purpose of this first meeting. It's completely superficial. We check out her dress, we check out her complexion. Does she have acne? Is she as fair in real life as she was in the pictures (the answer's no)? Does she wear glasses? How are her teeth? Is she a healthy weight?  We're essentially determining her breeding potential and the potential that she might pass down weak genes to offspring. Don't want that in the family. Never mind that the potential groom isn't exactly Bollywood hero material himself.

 

So after what feels like an eternity of staring each other down coyly, the questions will start. Again, completely superficial:

• What did you study in school?
• Do you have plans to work outside the home?
• What dishes do you know how to cook?
• Do you plan to take care of the house, or will you expect hired help?

Yep, that's about the extent of the questions. There's really not much more that gets asked.

With one girl we met, I was getting so irritated with her answers, that I started challenging her, and she would change her answer basis my challenge. Given the limited questions, I stuck to the script and I asked whether she planned to work outside the home. When she said "No it's been my lifelong dream to live for serving my husband." Okay she didn't say that but she might as well have. Then I asked her, "So if that's you're life long dream, why did you get an Engineering degree?" She hemmed and hawed and didn't really give an answer. So I told her, "You should consider working outside the home, you have an impressive education your parents spent good money on." Then she says "Oh yes, I'll work outside the home." Then I said "But you just told me your life long dream was to be a housewife." She says "Oh it is." Blah blah blah round and round we go. I'm quickly irritated with this complete and utter waste of time. If it were a candidate for a job interview, I'd dismiss them at this point so we could all get on with our lives.

 

Unfortunately in my experience, as soon as the above questions were asked, the tables got turned and the girl's family started asking me questions:

• Where was I from?
• When did I come to India?
• What did I do for a living?
• What company did I work for?
• What was my educational background?
• How many siblings did I have?
• What was my siblings education?
• What did my siblings do for a living?
• Were my siblings married?
• Were my parents in India?
• Where do my parents live (since the answer to the above is "No")?
• Are my parents working?
• What do my parents do for a living?
• When did I last go to the US to visit my family?
• How did I find India (as in, do I like it, not as in, can I locate it on a map)?

Wait a minute, who's getting hired, I mean married, here?

Generally my firing round would be interrupted by the father or brother of the bride coming to tell the ladies to come and sit with the men. This would mean a chair would get pulled up in the centre of the room, the girl would sit in it, and the guys from the groom's side would have a chance to ask her questions. Comfy, huh? Looks like we're just missing the trumpeters.

Generally, the men (and by men, I mean brother of the groom, never the groom) will have the following questions for her:

• What did you study in school?
• Do you have plans to work outside the home?
• What dishes do you know how to cook?
• Do you plan to take care of the house, or will you expect hired help?

Sound familiar? It's the same junk we already asked her.

 

Just like a job interview, she's going to give scripted answers. But unlike a job interview, she's going to give those answers: Keeping her head down at all times, never looking up, and never raising her voice above a whisper. This makes me CRAZY! I'm about as far from demure as they come. I cannot stand this damsel in distress routine. Speak up! We're deciding your life RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT. Take part in it! (Just for the record, this is the same advice I gave the groom.)

 

With hiring events, I average a completion rate of 12 per hour, with a selection rate of 20%. With brides, the stakes are a little higher. Especially considering that if someone you endorse, should the family decide on her, turns out to be a dud, it falls on your shoulders. After my first few interviews I swore I was done. I wasn't going to attend any more because they were so scripted, so fake, and so non-informative that I just couldn't see anything positive coming out of this experience. But, I committed, so I was in it for the long haul...

Girl Shopping Part 1: The Profile

It's been a bit since I've last posted. There are two main reasons for this:

1. I had some kind of virus attached to the conversion widget that was on my webpage, and was trying to get rid of it. It was causing a pop up message on every link found on my page. If you experienced problems with that, my apologies. The widgets been removed and it seems to be at least allowing navigation to occur.

2. I've been girl shopping. No, I don't mean shopping for girly things. I mean shopping for girls. Let me explain.

 

I was asked by a family to help find a match for their son. Since arranged marriage is one of my favourite (okay my VERY favourite) topics, I thought it would be a great experience. I was wrong.

 

Let me tell you how it starts out:

1. You post your profile on a marriage website like www.shaadi.com (there's even a www.secondshaddi.com for those who's 1st marriage didn't work out). This is the equivalent to a dating site sans the expectation of dating.

2. Interested parties (or more likely the parents of interested parties) review your online profile, and if they like what they see, email you a profile of themselves (or their son/daughter).

3. You review the profile and decide which families you'd like to meet with. Let's pause here.

 

Let me tell you about these profiles. They're all CRAP! Here is the information presented to you, in order to decide if you want to meet someone:

• Name
• Age
• Height
• Religion
• School and Degree with Occupation (if applicable)
• Complexion (The only options here will be fair, very fair, extremely fair, and they're all lying.)
• Fathers Name and occupation
• Mothers Name and occupation (housewife)
• Sibling count, names and occupation(s) as well as where they are living (this is important if they're abroad)

A photo will of course be included. Generally it will be touched up so much that if you do go to meet the person, you won't even recognize them as compared to who you saw in the profile picture. Remember the options we learned about under the "Complexion" category.

 

Sifting through profiles seems totally pointless to me, because they're all going to tell you the same thing: NOTHING! There's nothing to be learned by them. There's no intriguing information about the prospective match. The photos are basically fakes and the there will be less information about a potential spouse found in those profiles then you'll find on someone resume. I don't even understand the point of sifting through them, but that's how it begins.

 

I leave you now, with one of the best newspaper ads I've seen in search of a spouse. Considering the family paid money to post this, I'm not going to protect his identity, but I should caution you, with an ad like this I'm positive his only attractive, God fearing daughter was snatched right up. Especially considering he posted a bounty, I'm sorry, dowry, right in the ad.

 

 

I wonder how much he had to offer up for his ugly, uneducated, Satan worshipping offspring?

To be continued...

Review Alert: www.myntra.com

Myntra.com is yet another one of the rapidly multiplying online retailers bringing you at home delivery of the big name brands when it comes to clothing and accessories. Their website offers Western brands such as Nike, Levis, and Converse and also offers Indian traditional wear from household names such as Biba, W, and FabIndia.

 

After deciding I wanted to add to my kurti collection, I logged on and spent several hours browsing their offerings. It seemed that while they had a wide variety of items, the sizes were somewhat limited. For example, when filtering on my size, the options for kurtis/kurtas drops from 2452 to a mere 1725, excluding 30% of their stock. Still I should be able to find something amongst 1725 options, right?

 

Speaking of 30% - While browsing, I received a pop up that offered me a 30% discount on my first order, if I registered on their site. Figuring that's a great savings, I went ahead and registered. Little did I know that the 30% coupon would expire an hour later! It would have been better to register right when I was ready to place my order in order to avail the discount, however because the website doesn't allow you to put more then a handful of things in your shopping cart without creating a profile, I had to register in order to add to my wish list of items. Only I took too long building that list, and lost out on my 30% discount.

 

Part of the reason it took me so long to complete my selection, was because although there's plenty of filtering options on the website, it does not retain your search options when browsing. That means, every time I added something to my cart, it would take me to the "Review your order" page. If I clicked on the "Continue Shopping" option it would take me back to an unfiltered main webpage. If I used the back button, I sometimes received a notice that the previous page had expired, and other times got taken back to a main page sans my selection criteria. I found this to be really frustrating.

 

After sifting around on the site for a few hours, I made my final selection and set off to place my order. Although I no longer had the 30% off coupon available to me, they had provided me with a 20% off coupon but I couldn't find any place to enter the coupon code. Within a few quick clicks, my order had been placed without any discount. So I did what any savvy online shopper would do I made a note of all the things in my shopping cart and I cancelled my order. I then immediately logged back in to re-place my order. It seemed like a good plan.

 

When I was placing my order the first time, one of the items I selected must have been the very last one in my size, because when I went to refill my order, it wasn't available. The website said that they would send me an email letting me know when they restocked the item. I knew full well the reason it wasn't available was because I had ordered it and it was part of my now cancelled order. So I continued on replacing my items and was a lot more vigilant this time when I got to the shopping cart page and saw where I had to enter my 20% off coupon code. After applying the coupon, I saw that it only offered a discount on a single item. It wasn't a flat 20% off and to be honest, I wouldn't have ordered a few of the tops I had if I didn't think I was getting a discount. I decided then and there that it just wasn't worth it. I had already invested considerable time on their website due to a horrible navigation system, had lost out on my 30% off, had seemingly also lost out on what I thought was a flat 20% off, and missed out on my favourite kurti from that order due to stocking issues. It was time to call it a day.

 

Now I just had to figure out what to do about the money they credited to my online account after cancelling the first order. I didn't plan on placing an order on their website so having a considerable online credit wasn't going to do me much good. I used the online form to email their customer service asking them to refund the amount to my bank account, so long as their wasn't a fee in doing so. I asked them to call me before taking any action so I could confirm everything. I got the standard "Thanks for contacting us" email and was informed someone would respond to me within 24 hours. I did get a call the next day confirming there was no fee to refund my money to my bank account and with my confirmation, they'd proceed and I should see the refund in 10-15 business days.

 

The day after I spoke to their customer service about my refund, I got an email telling me my previously unavailable kurti was now in stock. Sigh.

 

When I told Z this story, he reminded me that he had ordered from that site previously. One of the items was a "free size" bracelet for me but it was too tight. When he looked into returning it, he found not only do they charge a restocking fee, but the customer has to pay the currier charges to return the item. The website says they'll reimburse the buyer for the return shipping charges up to rs100, but they also provide a list of items that are non-returnable and bracelets are one of those items. That's why the bracelet is still sitting in my closet.

 

Myntra does offer a referral/rewards program which provides an online credit of rs500 when your friends sign up and another rs1000 when they order something. You have 15 days and 30 days respectively to use the credit, and your order must be a minimum of rs2000.

 

If all this sounds so amazing you can't wait to log in and place your first order, please note that currently www.myntra.com is only shipping within India.

Gender Segregation and Living as a Woman in India

A friend of mine recently sent me an article from the Washington Post addressing the call for female only trains, busses, cabs, and even city parks in parts of India. It seems that it's not only the Indian newspapers that are full of stories of rape and violence against women. India's seeming surge of violent attacks is making news globally.

In sending me the article, my friend was asking for my take on the safety of living in India as a woman. Keep in mind, I am married to an Indian with my in-laws ever present so my experience I feel is more sheltered then that of someone staying here, who doesn't have family to fall back on and has to take care of everything on their own.

Let me start out by saying, I feel blessed to have landed in Hyderabad. No matter where else in India I've visited, I've always felt like I was coming home upon my return to the city. I find the people here to be very welcoming and genuinely caring and helpful. When I first came here, I attributed this to my white skin. Everyone was curious about me and eager to help, but after living in the same place for over two years, that sentiment hasn't changed much. When I'm out in my own neighbourhood, I feel comfortable. Local merchants that know me (and that's just about all of them), go out of their way to come and say hi when they see me out, and I feel as though I have people I can count on when I need anything.

Apart from taking care of daily business in my own neighbourhood, I don't go out alone. I'm always accompanied by my husband or my brother in law and don't find myself in situations where I have to navigate something without the company of a guardian that speaks the local language. It sounds old fashion, but it's how things are done and it certainly lends itself to safer circumstances.

The article in the WP discussed the demand for women only transportation options and locals providing women a place they could relax and enjoy the company of their friends without having to deflect lewd comments or looks from men. They are supposed to provide safer options for the female population. Now, we all know that the real problem is with the men and that the attention should be on raising our boys to learn to respect women, but that's going to take an immense educational effort and generations before such sentiment is at the heart of the population.

If there are immediate options available to women that allow them the independence to go out alone because they don't have to fear for their safety from men on a local bus, or some creep at a local park then I think that's a good thing. I don't believe that some level of segregation, in the name of safety, will discount the educational gains or career options for women, as stated in the article. I think it would do the opposite. I think it would provide women with opportunities to bolster their confidence and independence because they wouldn't have to expend energy worrying about every other passenger on the bus and what their intensions might be.  

There's no where I want to go that I don't have someone that is willing to take me, and while I appreciate their company, the option to take a ladies only bus would certainly provide additional options for me and I think that's a good thing!

What are your thoughts?

Massage: Why Can't It Be A Legitmate Thing?!

Body massage in India is somewhat of a taboo. Not overtly, but an undercurrent of suspicion seems to arise anytime I bring up the topic. I was a regular at local massage centres back home, and in over 2 years in India, have yet to find a quality, legitimate place to have this done.

 

My first experience getting a massage in India scarred me. It started out at my local salon/parlour and the same girl who had done my facial and hair spa, took me into the back room for my massage. Within a few minutes the male owner entered and was overly concerned about any tension I might have in my bra. That experience shied me away from getting massages for a long time.

 

About a year later, a massage parlour opened up in the building right beside my apartment. I heard all of the "therapists" were women, so I felt a bit better and considered checking it out. Until I was informed they only accepted male clientele. It was a brothel under the guise of a massage parlour.

 

One day we received a flier in the newspaper for a package deal at a new salon. It included a massage so I checked it out. The place was professional and the massage was conducted by a female, in a comfortable and secure setting. She just wasn't very good. I'm not a fan of these foo-foo massages, I'm used to being worked over by a sports therapist and the massage being more of a work out. So now I'd found the location, just not a quality therapist.

 

Just before my wedding, I started going to a new salon. The owner of the salon gave an amazing facial and included a little shoulder massage, so I asked her once if she'd do a back massage, even thought it wasn't in the "menu" of services provided. She agreed, but she never did it. No matter how many times I asked, she'd say "yes yes" but she'd never do it.

 

So now her salon has been bought out and I'm going to the one that replaced it. They advertise massage services, and have quite a variety to chose from in the menu. Every time I ask for it, I just get returned with confused stares and no matter how many times during my services that I bring up the subject, they NEVER do the massage. I can point it out in the "menu" but they never do it.  I don't know how to be more assertive about it besides crossing my arms, stomping my foot and refusing to leave until they do it.

 

Today I asked no less than four times. The lady doing my other services (the same one from the old place that got bought out) even asked me if I wanted oil or cream, and even stepped out to confirm the prices, but she NEVER did it.

 

I don't know if I'm some kind of freak for asking for it, or for persisting, but I don't get what the big deal is. I don't require someone who's professionally trained, just someone who can put a little elbow into it and isn't a pervert. There are options at the high end hotels and a few resorts to have it done, but you'll pay a fortune and those places aren't easily accessible. It looks like they might be my only option though. I think when I get to go back to the US for a visit, I'll schedule a massage for every single day I'm there! Just to make up for lost time.

10 Things You Have to Know About Arranged Marriages - Courtesy of Bollywoodshaadis.com and My Boss

My boss forwarded me this article from Bollywoodshaadi's.com

 

People in the western countries are at their wit’s end when it comes to comprehending the rationale behind arranged marriage system, more so the success rate that it enjoys. But there is a lot more to this traditional system of making matches than what meets the eyes.

 

1) Right age: Love knows no age, but in order to make a good match through arranged marriage, it is imperative to keep age consideration in mind. The preferable age for girls is around 25 or 26 and for guys no later than 30.

 

2) Self assessment: Take a pen and paper and list down what all things you expect in your spouse to be and what level of compatibility do you desire, that will be in tune with the compromises that will need to be made.

 

3) Decent Expectations: Expectations in an arranged marriage tend to run high and higher the expectations, greater are the disappointments because at the end of the day, it is not necessary that all the virtues that you desire can be found in one person.

 

4) Economic compatibility: Arranged marriages take everything in account and strive for utmost compatibility even in terms of economic standing of the families. In fact, in olden days it was a way of ensuring financial security for the bride.

 

5) Beauty: Arranged marriage is about suitability and compatibility. Beauty can easily take a back seat. Your intended need not be as dashing as Tom Cruise or as charming as Kate Winslet. Looks are important but not the most important thing.

 

6) Understanding: Now, this is the million dollar question: how can you understand a person in just one or two meets? At times a lifetime seems less to truly understand someone. It is here that you should share your feelings about the person with your very close friends or may be siblings.

 

7) Observe Etiquettes: Yes, there are some set codes of conduct that society at large expects you to follow. For example, do sufficient background research about the person before consenting to meet. Answering in negation after having met twice or thrice may be detrimental to the person’s self confidence.

 

8) Take Advice: Feel free to take advice from those you feel will be able to guide you in the best possible way. Do not make a show of your feelings but then do not go about it unsolicited.

 

9) Final Decision: Do not just marry a girl or a guy just because your parents or friends asked you to. It has to be your own decision and you will be responsible for whatever happens later in the life.

 

10) Commitment: Arranged marriages are based on commitment and it is the most necessary element that keeps a relationship going.

 

Bollywoodshaadis.com – Mon 29 Apr, 2013 1:11 PM IST

 

What do you think? Is there anything that should be added to the list, or any items you don't feel should be on the list?

Lost in Translation - Part I

I've decided to break this post up into two (not necessarily sequential) posts. This first post will be about funny things Indians say, when speaking English. At least they are funny to my ears. Call it the British influence, or perhaps, a literal translation, but some things just ring funny in my ears. Here are a few examples:

 

Updation - The (I can't even call it a word, because it doesn't exist) "updation" often comes across in emails I receive from office colleagues. Generally it means, correction, or change. An example would be: "Kindly make the necessary updation, and revert." More on "revert" later. Except "updation" as an option in the English language, doesn't exist. Just ask Merriam-Webster.

 

Do the needful - You'll generally see this phrase preempted by "Kindly" or "Please." People use it when they want you to do something or need your help. Usually you'll get a rambling story about something, most often, something the requester messed up on, then they throw it back to you with a "Please do the needful." Generally I want to respond with: I NEED you to stop messing this up!

 

At Any Cost - Another plea for help, in many cases. Or sometimes it's taken as a vow to do something. If I tell someone they need to be committed to achieving department metrics, for example, they'll say: "Yes. I'll do it. I'll show you at any cost." Dude, whatever the cost, just pay up make sure it gets done. It's such an overly dramatic phrase and it gives me ZERO assurance that they're going to deliver.

 

Revert - While I find this to be a generally appropriate phrase, it still annoys me. I suppose it's more professional than saying: "Hey, let me know." But I find it completely overused. If you check my office inbox, you'll probably see it at the bottom of 75% of my emails something like "Kindly revert for any questions" (yes for any questions, not with any questions).

 

Is it!?! - This is like saying "Seriously" or "Are you kidding me?" The worst part of this phrase is, it's super catchy. I find myself saying it all the time.

 

Doubt - If you have a question about something, you would say instead "I have a doubt." This really threw me for a loop when I was training my then Indian counterparts on a new process and they kept coming back with doubts. I understood that to mean they didn't believe what I was teaching them was correct. I quickly realized what the phrase really meant and now go out of my way to inform trainers coming from the US about this little phrase.

 

Tensed/Tension - Instead of telling someone not to stress or get stressed out over something, you tell them: "Don't be tensed" or "Don't take tension."

 

Break Your Head - If faced with a tough decision, or trying to figure something out, people will tell you not to Break your head  on it. In other words, don't over think it.

 

Only - The word only gets tagged onto sentences where it's really not necessary. For example, yesterday I heard someone on the street talking on his cell phone. The caller on the other end must have asked him where he was. He responded with "I'm in Hyderabad only." As if he could be in two places at one time. Why he didn't just say "I'm in Hyderabad" is beyond me.

 

Happy - Don't be sad, nothing wrong with happy, but here, you don't buy someone a Birthday Card. You buy them a Happy Birthday Card. At year end, our director sent out an email to the management informing us when we should collect the "Happy New Year" cards for distribution to our staff. Another phrase that can be paired in this category is "Many Many Happy Returns of the day!" That's what you tell someone instead of "Happy Birthday" when you present them with their Happy Birthday card.

 

A few other things to point out: Indians feel the need to say a lot of phrases twice. For example, if I ask someone how many biscuits they would like, they respond with "Two Two." Just saying "Two" one time would have sufficed. Now I need to determine, do I give them two, or do I give them four? Another double phrase occurs when you didn't hear what someone said. In Hindi, the response would be "Kya Kya." Literally translated it means "What? What?" because saying it once, might not have sufficed.

 

Having studied foreign language, I do understand this next debacle, however, I still find it amusing, and a constant cause for correction. Tense, is often something that gets lost in translation. For example, someone will ask me "Did you ate your lunch." It makes sense to me, where the confusion comes in, because if they're asking whether I've already done it, then that would be past tense and ate would be the past tense version of eat, so it seems logical, right? If you answer "Yes" to the above question, then subsequent question will be "What did you ate?" One other phrase I love to lump in with this category, but might in fact belong in a category of it's own, is one of my husband's favorite phrases "Baby I said you." What he means is, "I told you." I try most times to just laugh to myself when he says that, but once out of every three or so times, I find the need to correct him.

 

I'm trying hard to not lose my own grammar but often feel that if I phrase something in the way an Indian would phrase it, they'll understand me better. I know that's an incorrect approach because it's not helping them improve their English, and is tarnishing mine, however I'm not a grammar teacher so who am I to correct it?