Girl Shopping Part 3: Follow Up Interview(s)

In my experience, families don't entertain more then one possible match a time. After the first interview, they'll take some time to decide whether they want to pursue the match they most recently met, and if the answer is no, then they'll look for another match. They don't generally have multiple first meetings before deciding on the follow up meetings.

Once they decide that they'd like to meet a girl and her family for a second time, meetings will take place usually in both the grooms and brides homes. Generally additional extended family members will be invited to help size up the situation. Sometimes the bride or groom will be part of the meeting as well.

These meetings are a bit more laid back, unscripted, and less formal. Although you're still expected to wear a fancy dress, because impressions are still being made and it's important that the entire family presents well (remember What Not To Wear).

Generally after this second and third visit (one to each household) a decision will be made. It's quite likely that the bride and groom still haven't been alone together to talk. We tried this with the family I was with, and after a few minutes, the sister of the bride went into the room with the bride and groom, and, worried that the groom was out numbered, I asked for permission to join them. Naturally the bride's sister was the one doing all the talking and the  bride and groom were just sitting there silent. So it ended up with just the brides sister and I talking.

I tried sharing some information about the groom, like about what kinds of things he was good at, what dishes he prepared well, thinking talking him up was a benefit at that point. After I got a sharp look from him, I realized it was better to keep my mouth shut. Then it got awkward, so I left them to their own devices. What do I know?

After we left, I asked the groom if he was upset with me for saying so much. He said not everything needed to be revealed before the wedding and that there should be some surprises for afterwards. I'm thinking that you'd want to put your strengths out there to help in the decision making, especially if you're interested in the other person. Don't you want to sell yourself a little? Again, what do I know?

Gender Segregation and Living as a Woman in India

A friend of mine recently sent me an article from the Washington Post addressing the call for female only trains, busses, cabs, and even city parks in parts of India. It seems that it's not only the Indian newspapers that are full of stories of rape and violence against women. India's seeming surge of violent attacks is making news globally.

In sending me the article, my friend was asking for my take on the safety of living in India as a woman. Keep in mind, I am married to an Indian with my in-laws ever present so my experience I feel is more sheltered then that of someone staying here, who doesn't have family to fall back on and has to take care of everything on their own.

Let me start out by saying, I feel blessed to have landed in Hyderabad. No matter where else in India I've visited, I've always felt like I was coming home upon my return to the city. I find the people here to be very welcoming and genuinely caring and helpful. When I first came here, I attributed this to my white skin. Everyone was curious about me and eager to help, but after living in the same place for over two years, that sentiment hasn't changed much. When I'm out in my own neighbourhood, I feel comfortable. Local merchants that know me (and that's just about all of them), go out of their way to come and say hi when they see me out, and I feel as though I have people I can count on when I need anything.

Apart from taking care of daily business in my own neighbourhood, I don't go out alone. I'm always accompanied by my husband or my brother in law and don't find myself in situations where I have to navigate something without the company of a guardian that speaks the local language. It sounds old fashion, but it's how things are done and it certainly lends itself to safer circumstances.

The article in the WP discussed the demand for women only transportation options and locals providing women a place they could relax and enjoy the company of their friends without having to deflect lewd comments or looks from men. They are supposed to provide safer options for the female population. Now, we all know that the real problem is with the men and that the attention should be on raising our boys to learn to respect women, but that's going to take an immense educational effort and generations before such sentiment is at the heart of the population.

If there are immediate options available to women that allow them the independence to go out alone because they don't have to fear for their safety from men on a local bus, or some creep at a local park then I think that's a good thing. I don't believe that some level of segregation, in the name of safety, will discount the educational gains or career options for women, as stated in the article. I think it would do the opposite. I think it would provide women with opportunities to bolster their confidence and independence because they wouldn't have to expend energy worrying about every other passenger on the bus and what their intensions might be.  

There's no where I want to go that I don't have someone that is willing to take me, and while I appreciate their company, the option to take a ladies only bus would certainly provide additional options for me and I think that's a good thing!

What are your thoughts?

Home Help. Or Hurt?

With the exception of clothing, I prefer quality over quantity. I believe you're better off spending more for something better, rather then getting something cheap, just to pacify yourself for the time being, then later end up buying what you originally wanted, thus spending more in the long run and being temporarily stuck with something you didn't really want, instead of enjoying something better from the start. Okay that was a run-on sentence.

 

Onto today's dilemma. My maid is stealing from me. The first thing I noticed was a hair clip. I didn't actually realize it was missing until I saw her wearing it. It's nothing special, just a clear alligator clip. I know it's mine because it was one of only three that I had: one black, one brown, and one clear. It was one I brought from the US, so the fact that it's lasted me almost two years, is no mistake. The quality is excellent even though it's constructed of made in China plastic. When I saw her wearing it, I kind of did a double take, then went and checked my dressing table, where it was missing from.

 

I could care less, really, about the clip. It's the principle of the thing. If she needed hair clips, I'd happily buy her some. A dozen, if she wanted. Just don't take my stuff. Strangely enough, she noticed that I noticed it, and stopped wearing it.

 

This week she knocked on my door and asked me if I had an earring back she could have since the one attached to her earring was loose and she was afraid of losing the earring. I asked her for the earring so I could bring it inside and find a suitable match for it. Upon looking at the earring I realized why she was afraid of losing it. It was a diamond and gold star shaped stud, that I purchased at JC Penney several years ago. To have the nerve to take it, and come back and ask me for a back for it, really has my head spinning.

 

I told my husband about it, but neither of us have confronted her. On one hand, I don't want her to feel bad, but on the other hand, I'm really irritated. We pay her a significant amount (by Indian standards) for what is essentially substandard work, by my account. Anytime they've asked, we've given them extra money, paid half their kids school fees for this year, plus always give them extra during Eid as part of the Zakat requirement.

 

Getting back to my opening paragraph: I don't think I'd care if she had taken something ultra cheap, but she's taking the good stuff! Either way it's unacceptable because she shouldn't be taking ANYTHING but culturally, I'm not sure of the appropriate way to confront her and not make her feel bad (or vindictive which might lead her to take more stuff, or to accidentally drop a piece of my fine china while cleaning the kitchen) and since we don't speak the same language I don't want to have anything get lost in translation, which would cause us to have to revisit the topic.

 

I'm open to advice, especially those of you married to, or living in India, on how to handle the situation. Please share in the comments below.