Girl Shopping Part 3: Follow Up Interview(s)

In my experience, families don't entertain more then one possible match a time. After the first interview, they'll take some time to decide whether they want to pursue the match they most recently met, and if the answer is no, then they'll look for another match. They don't generally have multiple first meetings before deciding on the follow up meetings.

Once they decide that they'd like to meet a girl and her family for a second time, meetings will take place usually in both the grooms and brides homes. Generally additional extended family members will be invited to help size up the situation. Sometimes the bride or groom will be part of the meeting as well.

These meetings are a bit more laid back, unscripted, and less formal. Although you're still expected to wear a fancy dress, because impressions are still being made and it's important that the entire family presents well (remember What Not To Wear).

Generally after this second and third visit (one to each household) a decision will be made. It's quite likely that the bride and groom still haven't been alone together to talk. We tried this with the family I was with, and after a few minutes, the sister of the bride went into the room with the bride and groom, and, worried that the groom was out numbered, I asked for permission to join them. Naturally the bride's sister was the one doing all the talking and the  bride and groom were just sitting there silent. So it ended up with just the brides sister and I talking.

I tried sharing some information about the groom, like about what kinds of things he was good at, what dishes he prepared well, thinking talking him up was a benefit at that point. After I got a sharp look from him, I realized it was better to keep my mouth shut. Then it got awkward, so I left them to their own devices. What do I know?

After we left, I asked the groom if he was upset with me for saying so much. He said not everything needed to be revealed before the wedding and that there should be some surprises for afterwards. I'm thinking that you'd want to put your strengths out there to help in the decision making, especially if you're interested in the other person. Don't you want to sell yourself a little? Again, what do I know?

Girl Shopping Part 2: The Initial Interview

Part 2 of our series on finding a spouse, takes us to the interview round. Today we'll focus on the initial interview, the screening round if you will.

 

After we've sifted through the profiles (resumes) of prospective matches, and identified one we felt had potential (how we identified the potential is still a mystery to me - most likely it was basis what her dad did for a living or the fact that she had two siblings abroad and they all owned their own businesses. The decision to meet the family has little to no bearing on the girl herself.), it's time to schedule the first round interview.

 

So the father of the groom calls up the father of the bride and they make arrangements to meet. Generally the first meeting will take place with the extended family, meaning an auntie or cousin, sibling, or ME will show up to meet the family and prospective match. It's likely the groom might not even come along, and if he does come along, he will most definitely not come face to face with his prospective partner during this initial meeting.

 

So we visit the girls home, her family is hospitable, they offer us a cool drink and some snacks, which even though I don't want, I take any way so as not to seem rude. Within a few minutes, the ladies are whisked off to meet the potential bride and the men are left to talk.

 

I've conducted hundreds of interviews in my life. Generally for a job interview, I can decide within the first 60 seconds whether I like the candidate or not. However, I feel a bit more time is needed when you're determining the next 60 years of someone's life.

 

The first several minutes of meeting any girl is so awkward. Everyone is just kind of peeking out of the corners of their eyes and smiling, while they size each other up. I think it would be much more effective if they put the girl up on a rotating stage behind a curtain. There could be trumpeters playing then "Wahlaa" Mom pulls the curtain back, the spot line aims at the girl, and there she is, spinning on stage in a grand display for everyone to see. Which really, is the purpose of this first meeting. It's completely superficial. We check out her dress, we check out her complexion. Does she have acne? Is she as fair in real life as she was in the pictures (the answer's no)? Does she wear glasses? How are her teeth? Is she a healthy weight?  We're essentially determining her breeding potential and the potential that she might pass down weak genes to offspring. Don't want that in the family. Never mind that the potential groom isn't exactly Bollywood hero material himself.

 

So after what feels like an eternity of staring each other down coyly, the questions will start. Again, completely superficial:

• What did you study in school?
• Do you have plans to work outside the home?
• What dishes do you know how to cook?
• Do you plan to take care of the house, or will you expect hired help?

Yep, that's about the extent of the questions. There's really not much more that gets asked.

With one girl we met, I was getting so irritated with her answers, that I started challenging her, and she would change her answer basis my challenge. Given the limited questions, I stuck to the script and I asked whether she planned to work outside the home. When she said "No it's been my lifelong dream to live for serving my husband." Okay she didn't say that but she might as well have. Then I asked her, "So if that's you're life long dream, why did you get an Engineering degree?" She hemmed and hawed and didn't really give an answer. So I told her, "You should consider working outside the home, you have an impressive education your parents spent good money on." Then she says "Oh yes, I'll work outside the home." Then I said "But you just told me your life long dream was to be a housewife." She says "Oh it is." Blah blah blah round and round we go. I'm quickly irritated with this complete and utter waste of time. If it were a candidate for a job interview, I'd dismiss them at this point so we could all get on with our lives.

 

Unfortunately in my experience, as soon as the above questions were asked, the tables got turned and the girl's family started asking me questions:

• Where was I from?
• When did I come to India?
• What did I do for a living?
• What company did I work for?
• What was my educational background?
• How many siblings did I have?
• What was my siblings education?
• What did my siblings do for a living?
• Were my siblings married?
• Were my parents in India?
• Where do my parents live (since the answer to the above is "No")?
• Are my parents working?
• What do my parents do for a living?
• When did I last go to the US to visit my family?
• How did I find India (as in, do I like it, not as in, can I locate it on a map)?

Wait a minute, who's getting hired, I mean married, here?

Generally my firing round would be interrupted by the father or brother of the bride coming to tell the ladies to come and sit with the men. This would mean a chair would get pulled up in the centre of the room, the girl would sit in it, and the guys from the groom's side would have a chance to ask her questions. Comfy, huh? Looks like we're just missing the trumpeters.

Generally, the men (and by men, I mean brother of the groom, never the groom) will have the following questions for her:

• What did you study in school?
• Do you have plans to work outside the home?
• What dishes do you know how to cook?
• Do you plan to take care of the house, or will you expect hired help?

Sound familiar? It's the same junk we already asked her.

 

Just like a job interview, she's going to give scripted answers. But unlike a job interview, she's going to give those answers: Keeping her head down at all times, never looking up, and never raising her voice above a whisper. This makes me CRAZY! I'm about as far from demure as they come. I cannot stand this damsel in distress routine. Speak up! We're deciding your life RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT. Take part in it! (Just for the record, this is the same advice I gave the groom.)

 

With hiring events, I average a completion rate of 12 per hour, with a selection rate of 20%. With brides, the stakes are a little higher. Especially considering that if someone you endorse, should the family decide on her, turns out to be a dud, it falls on your shoulders. After my first few interviews I swore I was done. I wasn't going to attend any more because they were so scripted, so fake, and so non-informative that I just couldn't see anything positive coming out of this experience. But, I committed, so I was in it for the long haul...

Girl Shopping Part 1: The Profile

It's been a bit since I've last posted. There are two main reasons for this:

1. I had some kind of virus attached to the conversion widget that was on my webpage, and was trying to get rid of it. It was causing a pop up message on every link found on my page. If you experienced problems with that, my apologies. The widgets been removed and it seems to be at least allowing navigation to occur.

2. I've been girl shopping. No, I don't mean shopping for girly things. I mean shopping for girls. Let me explain.

 

I was asked by a family to help find a match for their son. Since arranged marriage is one of my favourite (okay my VERY favourite) topics, I thought it would be a great experience. I was wrong.

 

Let me tell you how it starts out:

1. You post your profile on a marriage website like www.shaadi.com (there's even a www.secondshaddi.com for those who's 1st marriage didn't work out). This is the equivalent to a dating site sans the expectation of dating.

2. Interested parties (or more likely the parents of interested parties) review your online profile, and if they like what they see, email you a profile of themselves (or their son/daughter).

3. You review the profile and decide which families you'd like to meet with. Let's pause here.

 

Let me tell you about these profiles. They're all CRAP! Here is the information presented to you, in order to decide if you want to meet someone:

• Name
• Age
• Height
• Religion
• School and Degree with Occupation (if applicable)
• Complexion (The only options here will be fair, very fair, extremely fair, and they're all lying.)
• Fathers Name and occupation
• Mothers Name and occupation (housewife)
• Sibling count, names and occupation(s) as well as where they are living (this is important if they're abroad)

A photo will of course be included. Generally it will be touched up so much that if you do go to meet the person, you won't even recognize them as compared to who you saw in the profile picture. Remember the options we learned about under the "Complexion" category.

 

Sifting through profiles seems totally pointless to me, because they're all going to tell you the same thing: NOTHING! There's nothing to be learned by them. There's no intriguing information about the prospective match. The photos are basically fakes and the there will be less information about a potential spouse found in those profiles then you'll find on someone resume. I don't even understand the point of sifting through them, but that's how it begins.

 

I leave you now, with one of the best newspaper ads I've seen in search of a spouse. Considering the family paid money to post this, I'm not going to protect his identity, but I should caution you, with an ad like this I'm positive his only attractive, God fearing daughter was snatched right up. Especially considering he posted a bounty, I'm sorry, dowry, right in the ad.

 

 

I wonder how much he had to offer up for his ugly, uneducated, Satan worshipping offspring?

To be continued...

Biology Makes Babies

While I appreciate the comfort that prayers can bring, and I find value in praying for a lot of things, there's one thing that I have never believed could be answered in prayer. That thing is conception. Conception as in: The sperm meets the egg, the cells divide, the cells divide again, and whammo, nine months later you have a bouncing baby. Granted, once you find out you're pregnant I think it's super natural to pray. To pray for a healthy pregnancy, to pray for a healthy baby, to pray to keep your spouse safe. But prior to that, it's biology.

 

As the second most populous country in the world with a staggering 1.23 billion people, India certainly seems to have gotten the conception trick down. Lately, however, I have to wonder if many people really understand how it all works. The biology aspect I mean. Many women will bemoan the fact that they've been unable to get pregnant. Of the women that have expressed to me, their disappointment in not being able to get pregnant after marriage, one includes a woman who insisted her husband wear a condom every time they "met," another doesn't live with her husband and might see him for a day or two every few months, and a third gets her period twice a year and has never seen a doctor about it. Do the math. It's not rockets. It's not lack of prayers being answered. It's biology. Perhaps if it did happen for any of those women, it would be a miracle and completely change my mind on the topic.

 

Well, after being married more than a year, and no babies to show for it, drastic action had to be taken today. I was given very specific instructions. They included:

Fast: This means no food, no drink, no smoke, no sex. What one thing from this list is required to make a baby? Nope, can't do that.

Fruit: When it was time to break my fast, I had a very specific seeded fruit I was to eat, seed and all. It was brought from a dargah, which is a holy shrine. I don't know what kind of fruit it was but it tasted like a prune.

Water: After swallowing the seeded fruit, I was to drink water.

Food: After the water I was to eat a bowl of kheer, which is a sort of milky rice pudding.

Prayer: After the food I was to pray.

Recitation: There was a script that also needed to be recited, but as I don't read Arabic, I was S.O.L.

 

Doing all of the above is supposed to aid in fertility. Considering not a single act from the above list involves what I learned in my 5th grade Family Studies class, I can't say I'm convinced. Biology has to come into the equation somewhere. Yet it would seem that many here don't make that connection.

Putting all of your faith in the above would seem to me to make pregnancy almost impossible without a little physical contact with your spouse coming into the equation.

 

Wait until I blog about the superstitions pressed upon women during their pregnancy. It's amazing any babies are born here.

 

10 Things You Have to Know About Arranged Marriages - Courtesy of Bollywoodshaadis.com and My Boss

My boss forwarded me this article from Bollywoodshaadi's.com

 

People in the western countries are at their wit’s end when it comes to comprehending the rationale behind arranged marriage system, more so the success rate that it enjoys. But there is a lot more to this traditional system of making matches than what meets the eyes.

 

1) Right age: Love knows no age, but in order to make a good match through arranged marriage, it is imperative to keep age consideration in mind. The preferable age for girls is around 25 or 26 and for guys no later than 30.

 

2) Self assessment: Take a pen and paper and list down what all things you expect in your spouse to be and what level of compatibility do you desire, that will be in tune with the compromises that will need to be made.

 

3) Decent Expectations: Expectations in an arranged marriage tend to run high and higher the expectations, greater are the disappointments because at the end of the day, it is not necessary that all the virtues that you desire can be found in one person.

 

4) Economic compatibility: Arranged marriages take everything in account and strive for utmost compatibility even in terms of economic standing of the families. In fact, in olden days it was a way of ensuring financial security for the bride.

 

5) Beauty: Arranged marriage is about suitability and compatibility. Beauty can easily take a back seat. Your intended need not be as dashing as Tom Cruise or as charming as Kate Winslet. Looks are important but not the most important thing.

 

6) Understanding: Now, this is the million dollar question: how can you understand a person in just one or two meets? At times a lifetime seems less to truly understand someone. It is here that you should share your feelings about the person with your very close friends or may be siblings.

 

7) Observe Etiquettes: Yes, there are some set codes of conduct that society at large expects you to follow. For example, do sufficient background research about the person before consenting to meet. Answering in negation after having met twice or thrice may be detrimental to the person’s self confidence.

 

8) Take Advice: Feel free to take advice from those you feel will be able to guide you in the best possible way. Do not make a show of your feelings but then do not go about it unsolicited.

 

9) Final Decision: Do not just marry a girl or a guy just because your parents or friends asked you to. It has to be your own decision and you will be responsible for whatever happens later in the life.

 

10) Commitment: Arranged marriages are based on commitment and it is the most necessary element that keeps a relationship going.

 

Bollywoodshaadis.com – Mon 29 Apr, 2013 1:11 PM IST

 

What do you think? Is there anything that should be added to the list, or any items you don't feel should be on the list?

Say Yes To The Dress

As I promised in my previous Post "What Not To Wear" I was gonna wow 'em at my sister in law's wedding with a fab dress to make up for wearing cotton ::gasp:: to the wedding date setting "function." My husband took me shopping yesterday and I found two (okay I found a lot more, but I decided on two) fantastic dresses, one for the wedding and one for the reception. Both are anarkali styles which is a loose fitting A-line type that falls just below the knee, with curridar bottoms.  They both have great bead work on them and fancy sleeve work thanks to the creativity of the tailor who had to improvise when she measured my neanderthal length arms. One is bright red, which is a traditional wedding function approved color, and the other is a bright pink with a full swirl of bead and stone work from tip to toe. I thought immediately of my sister in law (the one that's about to get married) when I saw it because she loves brightly colored fabrics and anarkali dresses are one of her favorite styles. I was happy. My husband was happy. I apologized to him  for all the dress drama I'd created over the past few days and thanked him profusely for taking me shopping. We headed home with our purchases with a plan to accessorize the dresses the following day after I had to time to evaluate my current shoe/jewelry/purse/hair clip inventory.

 

Once we reached home, it was a fashion parade. I again modeled the dresses for my husband. Loving the fit, the color, the bead work. I even did a few spins to see how they flared. I was getting in touch with the Charminar princess within.

 

I called my sister in law to tell her about the purchases. I described the dresses to her and told her that she could chose which one I'd wear to the wedding and which to the reception. To which she replied........."You're not wearing your khada dupatta" (read: wedding dress)? I told her I would be happy to wear whatever she thought was best (see, I'm learning). She said that the only time a bride gets to wear her khada dupatta after her own wedding is for the subsequent weddings of immediate family members, like siblings and maybe cousins. She thought it would be best to wear it so I had the chance once more before it had to be shoved in a closet forever. She said she'd confirm with the eldest sister in law and let me know. Before hanging up, she reminded me that when I'm packing for the week we're spending at the in laws in preparation for the wedding, I should make sure I don't pack any cotton dresses. Got it.

 

So I called Didi (the eldest sister in law). She informed me that not only was I to wear my khada dupatta for the wedding, but I was to wear my ghagra to the reception as well. My ghagra was my reception dress. It seems I have ZERO need or use for the dresses we so triumphantly bought. When I told my husband what they both said, he howled with laughter.  

 

While I know there will be other functions, these were purchases specifically made with this wedding in mind and after so much fuss, I had my heart set on wearing them. I guess we can skip accessory shopping, at least for today. I can accessorize with my own wedding ensemble. Ahh well what the hell. I love my khada dupatta and my 6 pound ghagra is out of this world. It's a cultural phenomenon that a woman would get to wear her wedding dress(es) more than once and I'm happy to have the chance.

 

Double Anarkali I won't be wearing to the wedding

Pink Anarkali I won't be wearing to the reception