What I Wish Every Indian Parent Would Consider

I came across this coincidentally while in the middle of my arranged marriage series. I felt it was not only timely, but presented a very compassionate view on not only marriage, but life in general including the relationships and responsibilities between parents and their children, addressing who is in control and who is not.

 

About the speaker: Ismail Musa Menk was born in Harare, Zimbabwe. He was tutored by his father who is a well known scholar and Da’ee. He completed his hifz and recitation courses at an early age and learnt the Arabic and Urdu languages whilst studying Shariah under his father. At the same time he attended an Academic College in Harare where he completed his secondary secular education. He then attained a degree in Shariah from the University of Madinah and later specialised in Iftaa at Darul Uloom Kantharia in Gujarat. - See more on his fan page.

 

I wish every parent in India would view this, religious affiliation aside. I think there's some valuable lessons not only about marriage, but about relationships in general.

Girl Shopping Part 3: Follow Up Interview(s)

In my experience, families don't entertain more then one possible match a time. After the first interview, they'll take some time to decide whether they want to pursue the match they most recently met, and if the answer is no, then they'll look for another match. They don't generally have multiple first meetings before deciding on the follow up meetings.

Once they decide that they'd like to meet a girl and her family for a second time, meetings will take place usually in both the grooms and brides homes. Generally additional extended family members will be invited to help size up the situation. Sometimes the bride or groom will be part of the meeting as well.

These meetings are a bit more laid back, unscripted, and less formal. Although you're still expected to wear a fancy dress, because impressions are still being made and it's important that the entire family presents well (remember What Not To Wear).

Generally after this second and third visit (one to each household) a decision will be made. It's quite likely that the bride and groom still haven't been alone together to talk. We tried this with the family I was with, and after a few minutes, the sister of the bride went into the room with the bride and groom, and, worried that the groom was out numbered, I asked for permission to join them. Naturally the bride's sister was the one doing all the talking and the  bride and groom were just sitting there silent. So it ended up with just the brides sister and I talking.

I tried sharing some information about the groom, like about what kinds of things he was good at, what dishes he prepared well, thinking talking him up was a benefit at that point. After I got a sharp look from him, I realized it was better to keep my mouth shut. Then it got awkward, so I left them to their own devices. What do I know?

After we left, I asked the groom if he was upset with me for saying so much. He said not everything needed to be revealed before the wedding and that there should be some surprises for afterwards. I'm thinking that you'd want to put your strengths out there to help in the decision making, especially if you're interested in the other person. Don't you want to sell yourself a little? Again, what do I know?

Educated Housewives

In my previous post, I shared a story about one of the girls I interviewed during the "Great Bride Search" who, although she had an Engineering degree, dreamed of being a housewife. I understand that sometimes what we go to school for isn't what we end up being when we grow up. Life takes us down different paths than we plan for ourselves.  The job pool has gone dry. Things happen. No big deal.

I also have no qualms about someone dreaming of being a housewife. Maybe raising a few kids, taking care of the exceptional amount of work that is involved in keeping a household and family running.

I also understand that sometimes, even though we achieve our educational goals and spend a few years paving a career path, life leads us to shift our priorities and we decide that being home is the best option for us. That all works for me.

After meeting a few of the potential matches and hearing similar stories of girls with amazing degrees wanting to stay home to cook and clean, I asked my husband what the deal was.  These girls who've earned such impressive degrees, plan to do absolutely nothing with them. He explained: They wanted to marry into a good family. Or their parents forced them to take up a particular course of study so that they could marry into a good family.

These girls have no interest in what they studied. They'll never apply it in the workforce. They didn't earn their degrees with the plan of ever working outside the home. Don't get me wrong, earn as many degrees in lines of study that interest you and do what you want with them, but these girls aren't even interested in what they studied. It seems having an Engineering degree, MBA, or the like is just a ticket into a nicer house to clean for the rest of your life.

I guess for me, the bottom line is, I don't like school that much. If I'm taking classes, it's because it's something I'm interested in pursuing, not simply for namesake with zero intent on application.

This just feels like one more big gimmick in the whole match process. What do you think? Share your thoughts below.

An Afterthought: I think the reason this bothers me so much is I never want to be financially dependent on a man. If I have earning potential, I'm gonna utilize it!

Girl Shopping Part 2: The Initial Interview

Part 2 of our series on finding a spouse, takes us to the interview round. Today we'll focus on the initial interview, the screening round if you will.

 

After we've sifted through the profiles (resumes) of prospective matches, and identified one we felt had potential (how we identified the potential is still a mystery to me - most likely it was basis what her dad did for a living or the fact that she had two siblings abroad and they all owned their own businesses. The decision to meet the family has little to no bearing on the girl herself.), it's time to schedule the first round interview.

 

So the father of the groom calls up the father of the bride and they make arrangements to meet. Generally the first meeting will take place with the extended family, meaning an auntie or cousin, sibling, or ME will show up to meet the family and prospective match. It's likely the groom might not even come along, and if he does come along, he will most definitely not come face to face with his prospective partner during this initial meeting.

 

So we visit the girls home, her family is hospitable, they offer us a cool drink and some snacks, which even though I don't want, I take any way so as not to seem rude. Within a few minutes, the ladies are whisked off to meet the potential bride and the men are left to talk.

 

I've conducted hundreds of interviews in my life. Generally for a job interview, I can decide within the first 60 seconds whether I like the candidate or not. However, I feel a bit more time is needed when you're determining the next 60 years of someone's life.

 

The first several minutes of meeting any girl is so awkward. Everyone is just kind of peeking out of the corners of their eyes and smiling, while they size each other up. I think it would be much more effective if they put the girl up on a rotating stage behind a curtain. There could be trumpeters playing then "Wahlaa" Mom pulls the curtain back, the spot line aims at the girl, and there she is, spinning on stage in a grand display for everyone to see. Which really, is the purpose of this first meeting. It's completely superficial. We check out her dress, we check out her complexion. Does she have acne? Is she as fair in real life as she was in the pictures (the answer's no)? Does she wear glasses? How are her teeth? Is she a healthy weight?  We're essentially determining her breeding potential and the potential that she might pass down weak genes to offspring. Don't want that in the family. Never mind that the potential groom isn't exactly Bollywood hero material himself.

 

So after what feels like an eternity of staring each other down coyly, the questions will start. Again, completely superficial:

• What did you study in school?
• Do you have plans to work outside the home?
• What dishes do you know how to cook?
• Do you plan to take care of the house, or will you expect hired help?

Yep, that's about the extent of the questions. There's really not much more that gets asked.

With one girl we met, I was getting so irritated with her answers, that I started challenging her, and she would change her answer basis my challenge. Given the limited questions, I stuck to the script and I asked whether she planned to work outside the home. When she said "No it's been my lifelong dream to live for serving my husband." Okay she didn't say that but she might as well have. Then I asked her, "So if that's you're life long dream, why did you get an Engineering degree?" She hemmed and hawed and didn't really give an answer. So I told her, "You should consider working outside the home, you have an impressive education your parents spent good money on." Then she says "Oh yes, I'll work outside the home." Then I said "But you just told me your life long dream was to be a housewife." She says "Oh it is." Blah blah blah round and round we go. I'm quickly irritated with this complete and utter waste of time. If it were a candidate for a job interview, I'd dismiss them at this point so we could all get on with our lives.

 

Unfortunately in my experience, as soon as the above questions were asked, the tables got turned and the girl's family started asking me questions:

• Where was I from?
• When did I come to India?
• What did I do for a living?
• What company did I work for?
• What was my educational background?
• How many siblings did I have?
• What was my siblings education?
• What did my siblings do for a living?
• Were my siblings married?
• Were my parents in India?
• Where do my parents live (since the answer to the above is "No")?
• Are my parents working?
• What do my parents do for a living?
• When did I last go to the US to visit my family?
• How did I find India (as in, do I like it, not as in, can I locate it on a map)?

Wait a minute, who's getting hired, I mean married, here?

Generally my firing round would be interrupted by the father or brother of the bride coming to tell the ladies to come and sit with the men. This would mean a chair would get pulled up in the centre of the room, the girl would sit in it, and the guys from the groom's side would have a chance to ask her questions. Comfy, huh? Looks like we're just missing the trumpeters.

Generally, the men (and by men, I mean brother of the groom, never the groom) will have the following questions for her:

• What did you study in school?
• Do you have plans to work outside the home?
• What dishes do you know how to cook?
• Do you plan to take care of the house, or will you expect hired help?

Sound familiar? It's the same junk we already asked her.

 

Just like a job interview, she's going to give scripted answers. But unlike a job interview, she's going to give those answers: Keeping her head down at all times, never looking up, and never raising her voice above a whisper. This makes me CRAZY! I'm about as far from demure as they come. I cannot stand this damsel in distress routine. Speak up! We're deciding your life RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT. Take part in it! (Just for the record, this is the same advice I gave the groom.)

 

With hiring events, I average a completion rate of 12 per hour, with a selection rate of 20%. With brides, the stakes are a little higher. Especially considering that if someone you endorse, should the family decide on her, turns out to be a dud, it falls on your shoulders. After my first few interviews I swore I was done. I wasn't going to attend any more because they were so scripted, so fake, and so non-informative that I just couldn't see anything positive coming out of this experience. But, I committed, so I was in it for the long haul...

Girl Shopping Part 1: The Profile

It's been a bit since I've last posted. There are two main reasons for this:

1. I had some kind of virus attached to the conversion widget that was on my webpage, and was trying to get rid of it. It was causing a pop up message on every link found on my page. If you experienced problems with that, my apologies. The widgets been removed and it seems to be at least allowing navigation to occur.

2. I've been girl shopping. No, I don't mean shopping for girly things. I mean shopping for girls. Let me explain.

 

I was asked by a family to help find a match for their son. Since arranged marriage is one of my favourite (okay my VERY favourite) topics, I thought it would be a great experience. I was wrong.

 

Let me tell you how it starts out:

1. You post your profile on a marriage website like www.shaadi.com (there's even a www.secondshaddi.com for those who's 1st marriage didn't work out). This is the equivalent to a dating site sans the expectation of dating.

2. Interested parties (or more likely the parents of interested parties) review your online profile, and if they like what they see, email you a profile of themselves (or their son/daughter).

3. You review the profile and decide which families you'd like to meet with. Let's pause here.

 

Let me tell you about these profiles. They're all CRAP! Here is the information presented to you, in order to decide if you want to meet someone:

• Name
• Age
• Height
• Religion
• School and Degree with Occupation (if applicable)
• Complexion (The only options here will be fair, very fair, extremely fair, and they're all lying.)
• Fathers Name and occupation
• Mothers Name and occupation (housewife)
• Sibling count, names and occupation(s) as well as where they are living (this is important if they're abroad)

A photo will of course be included. Generally it will be touched up so much that if you do go to meet the person, you won't even recognize them as compared to who you saw in the profile picture. Remember the options we learned about under the "Complexion" category.

 

Sifting through profiles seems totally pointless to me, because they're all going to tell you the same thing: NOTHING! There's nothing to be learned by them. There's no intriguing information about the prospective match. The photos are basically fakes and the there will be less information about a potential spouse found in those profiles then you'll find on someone resume. I don't even understand the point of sifting through them, but that's how it begins.

 

I leave you now, with one of the best newspaper ads I've seen in search of a spouse. Considering the family paid money to post this, I'm not going to protect his identity, but I should caution you, with an ad like this I'm positive his only attractive, God fearing daughter was snatched right up. Especially considering he posted a bounty, I'm sorry, dowry, right in the ad.

 

 

I wonder how much he had to offer up for his ugly, uneducated, Satan worshipping offspring?

To be continued...

10 Things You Have to Know About Arranged Marriages - Courtesy of Bollywoodshaadis.com and My Boss

My boss forwarded me this article from Bollywoodshaadi's.com

 

People in the western countries are at their wit’s end when it comes to comprehending the rationale behind arranged marriage system, more so the success rate that it enjoys. But there is a lot more to this traditional system of making matches than what meets the eyes.

 

1) Right age: Love knows no age, but in order to make a good match through arranged marriage, it is imperative to keep age consideration in mind. The preferable age for girls is around 25 or 26 and for guys no later than 30.

 

2) Self assessment: Take a pen and paper and list down what all things you expect in your spouse to be and what level of compatibility do you desire, that will be in tune with the compromises that will need to be made.

 

3) Decent Expectations: Expectations in an arranged marriage tend to run high and higher the expectations, greater are the disappointments because at the end of the day, it is not necessary that all the virtues that you desire can be found in one person.

 

4) Economic compatibility: Arranged marriages take everything in account and strive for utmost compatibility even in terms of economic standing of the families. In fact, in olden days it was a way of ensuring financial security for the bride.

 

5) Beauty: Arranged marriage is about suitability and compatibility. Beauty can easily take a back seat. Your intended need not be as dashing as Tom Cruise or as charming as Kate Winslet. Looks are important but not the most important thing.

 

6) Understanding: Now, this is the million dollar question: how can you understand a person in just one or two meets? At times a lifetime seems less to truly understand someone. It is here that you should share your feelings about the person with your very close friends or may be siblings.

 

7) Observe Etiquettes: Yes, there are some set codes of conduct that society at large expects you to follow. For example, do sufficient background research about the person before consenting to meet. Answering in negation after having met twice or thrice may be detrimental to the person’s self confidence.

 

8) Take Advice: Feel free to take advice from those you feel will be able to guide you in the best possible way. Do not make a show of your feelings but then do not go about it unsolicited.

 

9) Final Decision: Do not just marry a girl or a guy just because your parents or friends asked you to. It has to be your own decision and you will be responsible for whatever happens later in the life.

 

10) Commitment: Arranged marriages are based on commitment and it is the most necessary element that keeps a relationship going.

 

Bollywoodshaadis.com – Mon 29 Apr, 2013 1:11 PM IST

 

What do you think? Is there anything that should be added to the list, or any items you don't feel should be on the list?

Love Versus Arranged Marriage

Arranged marriage is still alive and well in India. Since coming here, I've seen some really lovely matches, and I've seen some not so lovely matches. One even ended in divorce within the first year of marriage.

When I first met my now husband, he asked me if I was interested in a love or arranged marriage.  I told him that there are no arranged marriages in the US and that for most couples you could call it a "love" marriage most days of the week. I asked him which set of couples were more likely to get divorced. He said that couples who were in a love marriage were more likely to get divorced. I asked him if that was because parents were better at finding a suitable mate for their children. He explained that no, that wasn't the case, but a child wouldn't disgrace their family by ending an arranged marriage in divorce.

I couldn't imagine the kind of pressure that would put on a young son or daughter. Not only do they have no say in who their parents match them up with, but in many cases, never even meet their future spouse prior to the day of their wedding. Furthermore, it's traditional for the bride to move in with her husband's parents and extended family post marriage. Now you have a virgin girl, who's married to a stranger and expected to share a bed with him, who's surrounded by strangers, who have their own set of house rules and routines. She's expected to learn and adhere to those, while having little contact with her own family during that time. I can't imagine having no one to talk to during that intense period of adjustment. No option of just getting away for a while.

That's not to say the transition will be a smooth one and that the new wife will bow down to her mother in laws wishes without a fight. I've witnessed firsthand some pretty argumentative new wives who will really make things difficult for the new family. Who will buck everything said to them in their new house, and make the transition, if you can call it that, as painful for everyone as possible. I've witnessed one bride even run away, returning to her parents after not being able to get settled in her in law's home.

On the other hand, I've witnessed some really beautiful couples embrace their marriage relationship. I've seen wives, that prior to marriage, were very hot tempered, find amazing levels of patience in their new roles. They've embraced the rituals in their new home and found a balance between the husband and son relationship. It's often said, that married or not, a man's first priority is always his mother. I've seen this in probably 100% of cases. I've also seen men who ran wild before marriage, immediately start focusing on their career and become upstanding providers once they've gotten married.

 

In my husbands family, there are six children. Three of them have arranged marriages, two have love marriages (including ours) and one has a hybrid of the two.

 

I'm very fortunate in my personal situation. My in laws have accepted me from day one. If there's ever been concern over my character, how I would support their son, or how our marriage would be, it's never been expressed. Secondly, we don't live with the in laws. Their home is on the other side of the city, and rather then face 3.5 hours of commuting daily, my husband and I opted to take our own flat, on the other side of the city in order to be closer to the office and have more of our already limited time daily to spend with one another. Third, because I am earning, my mother in laws household expectations of me are lean, at best. While I do laundry (by hand), and basic daily tasks around the house, I don't cook. I've never had an interest in cooking, so we have someone come in daily and do some light cleaning as well as prepare food for us. For the most part, we eat at the office though so I'm spared from having to spend countless hours in the kitchen preparing Indian dishes for my husband. Additionally, because I spend so many hours a week at the office, I get spoiled when we visit the in laws. I'm spared from any household or cooking chores and I get waited on all day and told to relax, nap, etc after such a long stressful week. Finally, and most importantly, my husband balances his roles as a son and husband impeccably. For the most part his mother is not demanding, and when he does need to take a family related decision, I step out of it, keep quiet, and respect the outcome.

 

One concept I've recently been struggling with, however, is whether arranged marriages are more respected in Indian society then love marriages. I feel as though some people don't take our relationship seriously. Now, that could be because I'm a foreigner, or because I'm working outside the home, or because we don't live with my in laws, or because I don't speak Hindi. It could be for many reasons, however this is what I've experienced as of late. My husband's youngest sister was recently married. Her new in laws told her they'd find a suitable match for my husband. My sister in law informed them he had a love marriage and there was no need. They stated that was fine, they'd still look out for a good match for him. This conversation was carried over the other day while my husband was on the phone with them. He again told them he was already married, to which they replied, that was fine, they'd still look into finding a match for him. All the while I'm like WTF? Who are these idiots and how dare they step on the toes of my marriage? Thankfully they live abroad so I don't have to deal with them regularly.

 

If you ask a young Indian what their hopes for the future are, they'll tell you they hope to have a love turned arranged marriage. Essentially, they want to chose their spouse, and have their parents blessing. When they ask me what kind of marriage we have, and I tell them it's a love marriage, they will literally clap with joy and say they hope one day they could be so fortunate. If you ask the older generation, however, they'll tell you something different, though not overtly. One auntie in particular, who has several unmarried (albeit young) nieces and has had her eye on my husband for quite some time, always kind of gives me scowl when we meet. Followed by a comment that I better take good care of "her boy." When the older generation meets me and finds out we do live on our own, I don't speak Hindi, and I don't cook, and ::gasp:: work outside the home, the response is less then supportive. Granted they won't come out and say it, but I have to think they're wondering where my husband dug up this foreign harlot versus allowing his family to find him a nice Indian girl to marry. Thankfully my sister in laws are always there to support me and mom and dad are never far behind.

I asked someone once, what do people do, if they're in love with someone, yet their parents find a match in someone else for them. The answer was simple: They have an affair. I know more cheating men then I can count on my fingers and toes. Granted you don't discuss such things with these men, but everyone knows it. It's like the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there, but no one addresses it. Where is the sanctity of marriage? Indians are expected to be good boys and girls and marry the person of their parents' dreams, yet run around behind everyone's back in order to find happiness? It seems that the family unit goes only as far as the husband providing for the family, and the wife putting a hot meal on the table three times per day. Beyond that, it's a sham. Sure, not in all cases. Like I said, I've met some really lovely couples who've had arranged marriages and settled into things nicely. But that seems to be the exception rather then the norm.

 

I have to wonder, if India wants to consider themselves progressive, does that developing future hold a place for arranged marriage? Can India really move forward while holding onto such traditions?

 

What do you think? Post your comments below.

What Not To Wear

Who: In laws and sister in law's future in laws

What: Setting the date for my sister in laws wedding

When: Sunday in Mid October

Where: In laws house

What not to wear: What I was wearing

Rewind to Saturday. My husband and I were discussing what time we should leave the next morning to go to his parents house, and how we were going to get there seeing as his bike is in the shop. We decided we'd leave early enough to get there in time to enjoy breakfast prepared by his mother. We decided we'd try to get a sharing cab for part of the distance and take an auto the remaining distance. We determined that we'd need to get some change for the auto, and we discussed how auto rates were increasing. Then he dropped the bombshell question "What are you going to wear?"

We spend most Sundays at his parents house. It usually involves food preparation, some cleaning, errand running, napping. Also their house is under construction so things are a bit dirty while the workers are there. Even without construction going on, they live in what would be considered the country, so the air's a bit dustier there. Oh and my 1 year old nephew prefers running around sans diaper. You never know when he might spring a leak. Basically what I'm saying is, I wear something comfortable, that I can keep relatively clean and that will wash up easily if I do get it dirty. What do you mean, what am I going to wear?

So why should I spend time thinking what I'll wear on what I thought was just another Sunday? It seems my sister in law's future in laws were going to be there to set the date for the wedding. I knew I wouldn't be part of the discussion. I don't know her future in laws. After the wedding I'm sure I'll never see her in laws again. To be perfectly honest, I didn't feel the need to make any sort of impression on them.

I've only been here a year and half and have acquired well over 200 new outfits since coming (more than 60 of which were procured in February of this year when we got married). They are basically new and all of them are very nice. My cotton salwar suits all have embroidery and most include some metallic stitching. That's fancy, right? My silk suits were impeccably tailored and every time I wear one, I get compliments. Nothing to worry about, right? Except I knew better. I told my husband on Saturday he better pick a dress for me because I didn't want his eldest sister posing the "Is that what you're wearing? Okay, seriously, what dress did you bring along?" Okay so she says it nicer then that, but that's what my ears hear. As I've never attended a "marriage date setting function" before, I had no idea what was appropriate.

As of late Saturday night, while this discussion was going on, I had only one dressed pressed. It was a cotton black and white paisley print top, with burgundy flowers embroidered at the bottom hem, along with plain black salwar bottoms. I set aside burgundy bangles, earrings, a black studded watch, and instead of the silk printed dupatta that came with the dress, I picked out a nice black cotton one that has multicolored beaded trim. Granted, it's one of my oldest dresses, but it's comfortable, and I think it looks really nice. It's understated and conservative, like me. At that point, my husband was playing it smart, and said if I would be comfortable in that dress, then I should wear it. I chose to ignore the message hidden between the lines.

Sunday morning we arrived at the in laws. The ladies were in a frenzy preparing lunch and cleaning in anticipation for the guests to arrive. Their maid, who's also named Lakshmi, had her own function to attend that day so she couldn't come to help out which added an additional layer of stress. My father in law and husband went to pick up breakfast for everyone, I helped with a few preparations then when no one would give me any other work to do, accompanied my brother in law to his dental clinic for the morning. Shortly after we arrived at the clinic, we got the call that the guests had arrived and we should hurry back home.

As soon as we arrived home from the clinic, my eldest sister in law drags me into a bedroom and says "Okay quick, where's the dress you brought?" I told her what I was wearing was all I brought. "You don't have another dress?" She was surprised. I said "No. This is all I brought." and in my head was telling my husband "I TOLD YOU SO!" So I freshened up, reapplied my makeup, jewelry, and made my appearance with the rest of the family.

I maybe said ten words to the guests and otherwise sat there quietly, as everyone made preparations for the wedding and reception. After the guests left, the youngest sister in law, the one getting married, says, ever so gently "You never know when functions like this will happen. You should keep a party dress here just in case."

I guess that might be true. But define "Function?"

Quite honestly, setting a date for a wedding could have been handled via a phone call, rather then 5 people plus a driver, cramming into a compact car and driving five hours each way. Essentially it was a business transaction as it involved the paying of dowry. Does the money not spend as well since Chota Bobbi (that's me) wasn't wearing a bedazzled and sequined get up? Does it set a bad example or put the family in a negative light because unlike everyone else, I wasn't putting on the show? All these encounters are is a big phony display of nice. Everyone puts on a fake friendly smile, displays their best behavior, and agrees to everything everyone else says. It's a sham. Why waste a good dress on it?