Pardon Me As I Roll My Eyes At International Women's Day

Guess what ladies!? March 8th marks International Women's Day!!! What does that mean for you!? I'm going out on a limb here and say: Not a damn thing!

 

Okay, so I'm a bit jaded by this "holiday." The first time I ever heard about International Women's Day was when I came to India and I completely missed the "International" part of it. Living in the US, I had never heard of this day.

The roots of International Women's Day are strong ones and at the time it was instituted, it set out to do a lot of great things. While I appreciate the overall sentiment, I have to laugh when I see it celebrated with such enthusiasm here in India. To me, it's about as effective as present day labour unions. Granted, India might want to look into those too.

 

How do we celebrate Women's Day here in India? Here's what I've observed:

1. Women get flowers

2. Women get chocolates

3. Every online retailer is offering some discount on women's clothing and accessories

4. Parlours are offering beautifying package deals

5. Bakeries have extra pretty cakes for sale.

 

Terrific! That's really going to do a lot to advance the cause for women in India. Instead of chocolates and facials, why don't we focus on the following:

1. Preventing Rape

2. Preventing Acid Attacks

3. Preventing Dowry Killings

4. Eliminating the Caste System

5. Ending Female Infanticide

 

I am disgusted by the fact that women can be celebrated one day in a year and gang raped and murdered the rest of the year, and yet for that one day we think we've made so much progress.

 

And if you do wish to celebrate, here is a quote from the above clip that will provide suggestions for celebrating in style and do as much to advance the cause for women in India as the current Women's Day celebrations "Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN."

 

What I Wish Every Indian Parent Would Consider

I came across this coincidentally while in the middle of my arranged marriage series. I felt it was not only timely, but presented a very compassionate view on not only marriage, but life in general including the relationships and responsibilities between parents and their children, addressing who is in control and who is not.

 

About the speaker: Ismail Musa Menk was born in Harare, Zimbabwe. He was tutored by his father who is a well known scholar and Da’ee. He completed his hifz and recitation courses at an early age and learnt the Arabic and Urdu languages whilst studying Shariah under his father. At the same time he attended an Academic College in Harare where he completed his secondary secular education. He then attained a degree in Shariah from the University of Madinah and later specialised in Iftaa at Darul Uloom Kantharia in Gujarat. - See more on his fan page.

 

I wish every parent in India would view this, religious affiliation aside. I think there's some valuable lessons not only about marriage, but about relationships in general.

Gender Segregation and Living as a Woman in India

A friend of mine recently sent me an article from the Washington Post addressing the call for female only trains, busses, cabs, and even city parks in parts of India. It seems that it's not only the Indian newspapers that are full of stories of rape and violence against women. India's seeming surge of violent attacks is making news globally.

In sending me the article, my friend was asking for my take on the safety of living in India as a woman. Keep in mind, I am married to an Indian with my in-laws ever present so my experience I feel is more sheltered then that of someone staying here, who doesn't have family to fall back on and has to take care of everything on their own.

Let me start out by saying, I feel blessed to have landed in Hyderabad. No matter where else in India I've visited, I've always felt like I was coming home upon my return to the city. I find the people here to be very welcoming and genuinely caring and helpful. When I first came here, I attributed this to my white skin. Everyone was curious about me and eager to help, but after living in the same place for over two years, that sentiment hasn't changed much. When I'm out in my own neighbourhood, I feel comfortable. Local merchants that know me (and that's just about all of them), go out of their way to come and say hi when they see me out, and I feel as though I have people I can count on when I need anything.

Apart from taking care of daily business in my own neighbourhood, I don't go out alone. I'm always accompanied by my husband or my brother in law and don't find myself in situations where I have to navigate something without the company of a guardian that speaks the local language. It sounds old fashion, but it's how things are done and it certainly lends itself to safer circumstances.

The article in the WP discussed the demand for women only transportation options and locals providing women a place they could relax and enjoy the company of their friends without having to deflect lewd comments or looks from men. They are supposed to provide safer options for the female population. Now, we all know that the real problem is with the men and that the attention should be on raising our boys to learn to respect women, but that's going to take an immense educational effort and generations before such sentiment is at the heart of the population.

If there are immediate options available to women that allow them the independence to go out alone because they don't have to fear for their safety from men on a local bus, or some creep at a local park then I think that's a good thing. I don't believe that some level of segregation, in the name of safety, will discount the educational gains or career options for women, as stated in the article. I think it would do the opposite. I think it would provide women with opportunities to bolster their confidence and independence because they wouldn't have to expend energy worrying about every other passenger on the bus and what their intensions might be.  

There's no where I want to go that I don't have someone that is willing to take me, and while I appreciate their company, the option to take a ladies only bus would certainly provide additional options for me and I think that's a good thing!

What are your thoughts?

Nirbhaya: The Rape Of A Nation

She didn't ask to be a victim. She didn't ask to be a hero. She was simply trying to get home. Now she's in her eternal home, and the nation is in an uproar.

As India lays the girl they've nick-named Nirbhaya to rest this week, protesters call for the government to take action. Rather than the government opening their doors and ears to the demands of a public that is calling for stricter punishment for rapists, they are instead launching tear gas and turning water canons on the angry crowds. Section 144 of the IPC has been invoked, which prevents a gathering of more then 5 people within the 34 km stretch that makes up the Delhi district. Seven metro stations were closed near India gate, in an attempt to prevent people from being able to gather near the country's Parliament building, the Presidents home, and the Prime Ministers office.

 

Schools across the country are discussing whether they should change their uniforms for girls, who currently wear skirts. The thought is that by dressing them in pants, it will help prevent harassment from the male classmates. There's also talk of invoking a curfew for females, preventing them from being out past 10pm and putting restrictions on their evening public transportation options to help prevent future instances of "eve teasing" and rape.

 

It's said in Delhi that a rape is reported every 18 hours. It seems that before any investigation can begin, the local magistrate must be called and give the order for any forensic tests to begin, or for the accused to be questioned. Well, magistrates sleep at night. So, if a girl comes to the hospital at 11pm, a victim of rape, she will literally have to sit in her torn, blood stained clothing all night, until the magistrate can be phoned in the morning after he wakes up, hear the details of the accusation, and order the examination of the girl and arrest of the accused. Forensic tests alone will take an average of 6-8 months before the results are available due to a backlog at the labs that perform this kind of work.

 

With the population of Delhi surpassing 20 million in 2012, a rape is reported there every 18 hours on average. How many rapes are occurring across India on any given day? How many are going unreported? Keep in mind, when you go to the police to report any crime, you have to share the details with them, and gain their permission to file a formal complaint. If they don't feel your case is worthy of being documented, they'll send you off and you'll never have a chance of gaining any legal justice.

 

The public is demanding the 6 men accused in the Nirbhaya case be hanged. Will that bring her back to life? No. Will it serve as a deterrent for potential rapists? I don't believe so. What India needs to see is a shift in mindset. A shift that places more value on women in society. A mindset that doesn't permit dowry killings, backstreet abortions for women who discover (illegally because ultrasounds for gender determination are against the law) they are carrying female babies,  or rapes committed out of revenge.

 

While the government does have a huge responsibility in this case, the change needs to start from the ground level. Parents need to teach their male children the fundamental differences between right and wrong. I don't believe any man can ever comprehend all he strips a woman from when he commits rape. It's a physical, emotional, and psychological injustice. It will impact EVERY SINGLE relationship she has and will have for the rest of her life. In India it can prevent a woman from ever marrying. It can cause her to be cast out from her family, from her village, from those she's loved and trusted her entire life. The blame is put on her. The same is borne by the entire family and the community. The shame of the victim is prevalent, while the actions of the criminal often go unpunished. These men have mothers. They have sisters. They need to be taught to respect them, to place the same level of value on them as they do their fathers and their brothers. When will they recognize that every woman they pass on the street is someones sister, someones mother, someones daughter.

 

Until women have the ability to practice the same educational opportunities as men, the same career opportunities as men, the ability to exercise the same day to day rights as men, there is no hope for a future on any level. While the government claims they're trying to implement changes to protect women, what they are in fact doing is stripping women of their basic freedoms. This continued oppression simply promotes the behavior that the public is demanding a change to. All of this, in the world's largest democracy...

Single White Female

While co-habitation is not illegal in India, it remains a social taboo. It's becoming more common in some of the larger cities. Often times, young people are away from their native places for employment purposes and can face some sticker shock when finding a flat to rent. While hostels are common, and gender segregated, many would prefer to rent a flat so that they can chose who they room with, have their own kitchens, and generally more privacy.

 

While this may be coming more common, women living alone is not. While it's fine for them to stay in ladies hostels, rent apartments in groups, or stay with family, securing your own flat as an independent female is met with suspicion.

 

When negotiating the terms of our current flat, my now husband had a lot of explaining to do.  At the time we signed our lease, we were not married, and couldn't provide a wedding date. Just the same, the landlord wrote up the lease as "Aimee, WIFE OF, Zia." You see, when signing legal documents, women are either listed as "WIFE OF" or "DAUGHTER OF." They are not their own independent entities.

 

My bank recently called me trying to sell me a credit card. I bit. I gave them the application information and a few days later someone from the bank called me regarding my application. They wanted to speak to my father in order to gain his permission for me to get the credit card. I explained I was 33 years old, had been making my own financial decisions for over a decade and I wasn't about to provide my father's contact information so the Indian bank could harass him for permission for me to secure a credit line. I told them to cancel the application.

 

Previously, we had two teachers from Spain living in our building. They were perfectly friendly individuals. They went to work and they went out on the weekends. They might have had a party or two, but for the most part, were considerate neighbors. A few months ago they moved out but come back to visit often. One of them decided she'd like to move back into the building, but she wanted to live alone. She explained this to the landlord and also asked that the landlord wave a few of the conditions in the lease, namely the landlord's right to inspect the flat at any time, and the option to paint the walls. The girl even offered additional monthly rent to sweeten the deal.

 

The landlord was hesitant and the girl continued to beg. This went on daily for over a week. The two would sit on my balcony (that's another post) and try and come to an agreement on the lease terms. The landlord finally convinced the girl that she would not rent to her and that was the end of it. When talking to the landlord, I came to learn that the real reason the landlord wouldn't rent to her, was the assumption that a single girl staying alone and refusing to allow the landlord access to the apartment at any time, lead the landlord to believe that she was going to start a prostitution business. How that conclusion was made is beyond me. This particular girl had and has had a steady boyfriend since coming here and never had any male visitors apart from that.

 

It's so strange to me that Indian society is suspicious over a woman wanting to live alone. My teacher friend did find a landlord that would rent to her and only her, and she loves the place because she got what she wanted with free reign to paint the walls and hang pictures (we can't do that either). But I also hate the requirement that a woman has to be a "WIFE OF" or "DAUGHTER OF" in order to sign a lease, fill out an application for a cell phone, or open a bank account. Currently my dad's name is on my PAN card (kind of like a social security card, it's used for tax identification purposes).

 

When will women stand up and demand their independence? When will it be socially acceptable to be a self supporting female? A woman shouldn't have to be handed directly from her father to her husband. When will she require more - more of society and more of herself?

Out Of Sight...

When I first started visiting my in laws (prior to them becoming my in laws) I quickly realized that there is a very particular behavioral expectation of the females in the household when guests of the males in the household arrive. Essentially, we are to be rarely seen, and never heard. At first I attributed this to my being white, or the fact that I was hanging around the in laws prior to my husband and I getting married, which is not customary. I figured the in laws were doing it more for my protection so as to prevent questions arising, and rumors starting, which is, in part, true.

Whenever someone would arrive, I would be whisked into a bedroom or other sanctioned area. My sister in laws would, without a word, serve up a few refreshments, and shortly after my confinement, join me, where we'd hang out, gossiping and periodically checking in to see if the men needed anything, but for the most part, would hole up until the visitors had left.

I expected this to change after marriage. I was wrong.

As I write this post, I'm confined to the bedroom of my very own apartment, while my husband entertains some old friends. And I gotta tell ya - I don't mind!

I don't have to play hostess. I don't have to put on some fancy dress, and try and make small talk with people I've never met. I don't have to nervously hover around asking if I can refill glasses, or prepare any food. I don't have to try and act busy so as not to impede on their conversation. Instead, I can blog. I can surf facebook. I can read. I can nap. And when they're gone, my husband will lovingly come and give me the all clear, and then take me out to lunch. It's a relief, quite frankly.

When visiting the in laws, my sister in laws and I have some of our best gab sessions during such instances. It's a great bonding opportunity, and when I'm alone, a great chance to recharge my batteries and not have to fuss like the nervous hostess I tend to become. I know it might sound sexist or reminiscent of a time when women didn't hold an equal status to men, but, like with so many other things in India, I've come to embrace it.