What I Wish Every Indian Parent Would Consider

I came across this coincidentally while in the middle of my arranged marriage series. I felt it was not only timely, but presented a very compassionate view on not only marriage, but life in general including the relationships and responsibilities between parents and their children, addressing who is in control and who is not.

 

About the speaker: Ismail Musa Menk was born in Harare, Zimbabwe. He was tutored by his father who is a well known scholar and Da’ee. He completed his hifz and recitation courses at an early age and learnt the Arabic and Urdu languages whilst studying Shariah under his father. At the same time he attended an Academic College in Harare where he completed his secondary secular education. He then attained a degree in Shariah from the University of Madinah and later specialised in Iftaa at Darul Uloom Kantharia in Gujarat. - See more on his fan page.

 

I wish every parent in India would view this, religious affiliation aside. I think there's some valuable lessons not only about marriage, but about relationships in general.

Gender Segregation and Living as a Woman in India

A friend of mine recently sent me an article from the Washington Post addressing the call for female only trains, busses, cabs, and even city parks in parts of India. It seems that it's not only the Indian newspapers that are full of stories of rape and violence against women. India's seeming surge of violent attacks is making news globally.

In sending me the article, my friend was asking for my take on the safety of living in India as a woman. Keep in mind, I am married to an Indian with my in-laws ever present so my experience I feel is more sheltered then that of someone staying here, who doesn't have family to fall back on and has to take care of everything on their own.

Let me start out by saying, I feel blessed to have landed in Hyderabad. No matter where else in India I've visited, I've always felt like I was coming home upon my return to the city. I find the people here to be very welcoming and genuinely caring and helpful. When I first came here, I attributed this to my white skin. Everyone was curious about me and eager to help, but after living in the same place for over two years, that sentiment hasn't changed much. When I'm out in my own neighbourhood, I feel comfortable. Local merchants that know me (and that's just about all of them), go out of their way to come and say hi when they see me out, and I feel as though I have people I can count on when I need anything.

Apart from taking care of daily business in my own neighbourhood, I don't go out alone. I'm always accompanied by my husband or my brother in law and don't find myself in situations where I have to navigate something without the company of a guardian that speaks the local language. It sounds old fashion, but it's how things are done and it certainly lends itself to safer circumstances.

The article in the WP discussed the demand for women only transportation options and locals providing women a place they could relax and enjoy the company of their friends without having to deflect lewd comments or looks from men. They are supposed to provide safer options for the female population. Now, we all know that the real problem is with the men and that the attention should be on raising our boys to learn to respect women, but that's going to take an immense educational effort and generations before such sentiment is at the heart of the population.

If there are immediate options available to women that allow them the independence to go out alone because they don't have to fear for their safety from men on a local bus, or some creep at a local park then I think that's a good thing. I don't believe that some level of segregation, in the name of safety, will discount the educational gains or career options for women, as stated in the article. I think it would do the opposite. I think it would provide women with opportunities to bolster their confidence and independence because they wouldn't have to expend energy worrying about every other passenger on the bus and what their intensions might be.  

There's no where I want to go that I don't have someone that is willing to take me, and while I appreciate their company, the option to take a ladies only bus would certainly provide additional options for me and I think that's a good thing!

What are your thoughts?

DIY

Scene: I'm standing on a chair in the kitchen, reorganizing the small appliances the workers haphazardly placed after they finished painting our kitchen.

Z: "Why are you doing that? Let the workers do it."

AT: "I can do it myself. What do I need them for?"

Z: "Just tell them how you want it organized and they'll come and do it."

AT: "It's not a big deal. I can have it done before they can even get up here."

Z: "But it's their job. Just stand here and tell them how you want it and they'll do it."

AT: "I told them how I wanted it, and this is how they kept it. I'll do it my way, it will be done in two minutes, and it will be the way I want it. You know, in the US you don't have someone you can call every time you want a small task done. You have to do it yourself."

Z: "Don't scare me like that."

 

When I was making plans to move to India I was given a single piece of advice by my then Site Director "Don't become too dependent on others to do things for you."

 

In India, hired help is just a call and a 20 rupee note away. Anything you want done, any time, day or night, there's someone you can call and hire to do it. Just two years after arriving, I'm realizing how completely dependent I've become on others for super basic things I've done for myself most of my life.

 

When I first came here I felt guilty asking my watchman to get me breakfast or to go to the market or to take my clothes to be pressed. My husband kept telling me "it's his job." Not really. His job is to keep the exterior of the apartment clean, be a Mr Fix-It when required, and ensure our building is relatively secure.

 

Fast forward 2 years: Hired help takes my laundry to be pressed, hired help presses it, and hired help goes and picks it up after it's pressed. Hired help makes my lunch and my tea. Hired help takes me to and from office every day. Hired help replaces a burnt out light bulb, or an empty water bottle, or an empty toothpaste tube. Every little thing, is done by someone else; to the point of my own paralysis. If my cook doesn't come, I don't eat. If someone doesn't take my clothes for pressing, I don't wear business formal to the office. I've become completely dependent on others and I find it maddening.

 

Having someone there to do every small task has put me into a state of helplessness when I'm left to my own devices. What I find most frustrating about it, is that I have to wait for said help to arrive then spend what feels like an excessive amount of time trying to explain what I want, and watching over them to offer direction in order to ensure it's done right. In that time, I could have just done it myself, and no doubt saved some money and my own aggravation.

 

I've always been a strongly independent person and I'm stunned and rather dismayed about how quickly that quite admirable trait has vanished from my character. I try and justify it by saying that everything is so damn difficult here that you should take help where you can get it. Let someone else fuss over the small stuff. Part of me is appreciative for that reason, and the other part realizes how sheltered I've been over the past 2 years because I've always had someone there to do everything for me and I've had pretty limited instances where I've had to struggle for anything. That's a blessing, but could also be a curse.

Single White Female

While co-habitation is not illegal in India, it remains a social taboo. It's becoming more common in some of the larger cities. Often times, young people are away from their native places for employment purposes and can face some sticker shock when finding a flat to rent. While hostels are common, and gender segregated, many would prefer to rent a flat so that they can chose who they room with, have their own kitchens, and generally more privacy.

 

While this may be coming more common, women living alone is not. While it's fine for them to stay in ladies hostels, rent apartments in groups, or stay with family, securing your own flat as an independent female is met with suspicion.

 

When negotiating the terms of our current flat, my now husband had a lot of explaining to do.  At the time we signed our lease, we were not married, and couldn't provide a wedding date. Just the same, the landlord wrote up the lease as "Aimee, WIFE OF, Zia." You see, when signing legal documents, women are either listed as "WIFE OF" or "DAUGHTER OF." They are not their own independent entities.

 

My bank recently called me trying to sell me a credit card. I bit. I gave them the application information and a few days later someone from the bank called me regarding my application. They wanted to speak to my father in order to gain his permission for me to get the credit card. I explained I was 33 years old, had been making my own financial decisions for over a decade and I wasn't about to provide my father's contact information so the Indian bank could harass him for permission for me to secure a credit line. I told them to cancel the application.

 

Previously, we had two teachers from Spain living in our building. They were perfectly friendly individuals. They went to work and they went out on the weekends. They might have had a party or two, but for the most part, were considerate neighbors. A few months ago they moved out but come back to visit often. One of them decided she'd like to move back into the building, but she wanted to live alone. She explained this to the landlord and also asked that the landlord wave a few of the conditions in the lease, namely the landlord's right to inspect the flat at any time, and the option to paint the walls. The girl even offered additional monthly rent to sweeten the deal.

 

The landlord was hesitant and the girl continued to beg. This went on daily for over a week. The two would sit on my balcony (that's another post) and try and come to an agreement on the lease terms. The landlord finally convinced the girl that she would not rent to her and that was the end of it. When talking to the landlord, I came to learn that the real reason the landlord wouldn't rent to her, was the assumption that a single girl staying alone and refusing to allow the landlord access to the apartment at any time, lead the landlord to believe that she was going to start a prostitution business. How that conclusion was made is beyond me. This particular girl had and has had a steady boyfriend since coming here and never had any male visitors apart from that.

 

It's so strange to me that Indian society is suspicious over a woman wanting to live alone. My teacher friend did find a landlord that would rent to her and only her, and she loves the place because she got what she wanted with free reign to paint the walls and hang pictures (we can't do that either). But I also hate the requirement that a woman has to be a "WIFE OF" or "DAUGHTER OF" in order to sign a lease, fill out an application for a cell phone, or open a bank account. Currently my dad's name is on my PAN card (kind of like a social security card, it's used for tax identification purposes).

 

When will women stand up and demand their independence? When will it be socially acceptable to be a self supporting female? A woman shouldn't have to be handed directly from her father to her husband. When will she require more - more of society and more of herself?