Living as an Expat - Or Not

Recently I shared with you part of the reason I don't feel I've faced many problems as a woman living in India. As I stated in Gender Segregation and Living as a Woman In India, I don't often go out alone and most often my company/escort/guardian is a male family member. In addition to that, I feel that I'm living in quite possibly the greatest city in India when it comes to pretty much every single factor. The general population here is cool and incidents of harassment and crime are relatively low compared to what we hear out of other parts of India.

 

I frequently get contacted by people who want to know more about my expat lifestyle, particularly, the ways I've connected with other expats staying in the same area. I gotta be honest - I haven't. All my friends here are Hindustanis, and I hang with them or my Indian family. Granted, I know or have met a handful of people here that were not from India but I've never sought out or participated in any activity geared towards Expats.

 

That being said, I am part of an Expat Forum, which I joined before I moved here. It provides some good resources and many of us share our blog posts on that site. I find it really interesting to read about others' experiences, so long as I can do so at an arms length.

Let me share with you the top few reasons I'm turned off by the requests for Expat meet-ups that have been sent my way:

• They're all sent by men.
• The men sending them are Indian.
• The Indian men sending them have never been outside the country.

Let me tell you what this means. It means they're not Expats! Why are they trying to set up a meeting for Expats?!?! As much as I love this city, don't tell me they're goodwill ambassadors just trying to ensure everyone feels welcomed here.

Let me tell you why they send them:

• They're looking for romance.
• They're looking for money.
• They're looking for a visa opportunity (really this last one is just a combination of the first two).

On a smaller scale:

• It's fashionable to have the "white" friend.
• They want to improve their English
• They want you to find them a job abroad (you can read more about my thoughts on that topic in Refer a Friend.......or Not)

Granted they don't say this outright but I'm stickin' with my gut on this one. I'll share with you now, a few of the requests for meet-ups I've received:

• Hai my friend.. I'm from Hyd hmmm if u need a friend then plz remember me.. Anyways plz take care n keep smiling
• Greetings. Hope you are doing great. Well, I'm from Hyderabad, an Engineer and Ex. Professor by profession. Photography is my passion. Now a days, I am inclined towards capturing Non-Indian faces in Indian cultural and tradition wear.I found you in this blog. Can I request you to spare some time from your daily work to volunteer in this? This is completely non-commercial work and I'm doing this only for the sake of art. Hope you can understand my passion towards photography. I will be glad if you can give me a knock any time.
• I want friendship , from u , will u please accept me , if so plz mail me
• Iam male from Hyderabad, i want to be ur friend

Here are my responses had I sent them:

• I'd forgotten you before I finished reading your message. Also, unless you're into Kung Fu, it's spelled HI or HELLO.
• 1. I didn't ask. 2. Pervert
• Unacceptable over indulgence of commas. Please continue practicing your English and build some self-confidence so you don't come across as pathetic and desperate. Perhaps that will help you gain friends.
• 

So, my friends, that's why I avoid the Expat scene.

 

Gender Segregation and Living as a Woman in India

A friend of mine recently sent me an article from the Washington Post addressing the call for female only trains, busses, cabs, and even city parks in parts of India. It seems that it's not only the Indian newspapers that are full of stories of rape and violence against women. India's seeming surge of violent attacks is making news globally.

In sending me the article, my friend was asking for my take on the safety of living in India as a woman. Keep in mind, I am married to an Indian with my in-laws ever present so my experience I feel is more sheltered then that of someone staying here, who doesn't have family to fall back on and has to take care of everything on their own.

Let me start out by saying, I feel blessed to have landed in Hyderabad. No matter where else in India I've visited, I've always felt like I was coming home upon my return to the city. I find the people here to be very welcoming and genuinely caring and helpful. When I first came here, I attributed this to my white skin. Everyone was curious about me and eager to help, but after living in the same place for over two years, that sentiment hasn't changed much. When I'm out in my own neighbourhood, I feel comfortable. Local merchants that know me (and that's just about all of them), go out of their way to come and say hi when they see me out, and I feel as though I have people I can count on when I need anything.

Apart from taking care of daily business in my own neighbourhood, I don't go out alone. I'm always accompanied by my husband or my brother in law and don't find myself in situations where I have to navigate something without the company of a guardian that speaks the local language. It sounds old fashion, but it's how things are done and it certainly lends itself to safer circumstances.

The article in the WP discussed the demand for women only transportation options and locals providing women a place they could relax and enjoy the company of their friends without having to deflect lewd comments or looks from men. They are supposed to provide safer options for the female population. Now, we all know that the real problem is with the men and that the attention should be on raising our boys to learn to respect women, but that's going to take an immense educational effort and generations before such sentiment is at the heart of the population.

If there are immediate options available to women that allow them the independence to go out alone because they don't have to fear for their safety from men on a local bus, or some creep at a local park then I think that's a good thing. I don't believe that some level of segregation, in the name of safety, will discount the educational gains or career options for women, as stated in the article. I think it would do the opposite. I think it would provide women with opportunities to bolster their confidence and independence because they wouldn't have to expend energy worrying about every other passenger on the bus and what their intensions might be.  

There's no where I want to go that I don't have someone that is willing to take me, and while I appreciate their company, the option to take a ladies only bus would certainly provide additional options for me and I think that's a good thing!

What are your thoughts?

Single White Female

While co-habitation is not illegal in India, it remains a social taboo. It's becoming more common in some of the larger cities. Often times, young people are away from their native places for employment purposes and can face some sticker shock when finding a flat to rent. While hostels are common, and gender segregated, many would prefer to rent a flat so that they can chose who they room with, have their own kitchens, and generally more privacy.

 

While this may be coming more common, women living alone is not. While it's fine for them to stay in ladies hostels, rent apartments in groups, or stay with family, securing your own flat as an independent female is met with suspicion.

 

When negotiating the terms of our current flat, my now husband had a lot of explaining to do.  At the time we signed our lease, we were not married, and couldn't provide a wedding date. Just the same, the landlord wrote up the lease as "Aimee, WIFE OF, Zia." You see, when signing legal documents, women are either listed as "WIFE OF" or "DAUGHTER OF." They are not their own independent entities.

 

My bank recently called me trying to sell me a credit card. I bit. I gave them the application information and a few days later someone from the bank called me regarding my application. They wanted to speak to my father in order to gain his permission for me to get the credit card. I explained I was 33 years old, had been making my own financial decisions for over a decade and I wasn't about to provide my father's contact information so the Indian bank could harass him for permission for me to secure a credit line. I told them to cancel the application.

 

Previously, we had two teachers from Spain living in our building. They were perfectly friendly individuals. They went to work and they went out on the weekends. They might have had a party or two, but for the most part, were considerate neighbors. A few months ago they moved out but come back to visit often. One of them decided she'd like to move back into the building, but she wanted to live alone. She explained this to the landlord and also asked that the landlord wave a few of the conditions in the lease, namely the landlord's right to inspect the flat at any time, and the option to paint the walls. The girl even offered additional monthly rent to sweeten the deal.

 

The landlord was hesitant and the girl continued to beg. This went on daily for over a week. The two would sit on my balcony (that's another post) and try and come to an agreement on the lease terms. The landlord finally convinced the girl that she would not rent to her and that was the end of it. When talking to the landlord, I came to learn that the real reason the landlord wouldn't rent to her, was the assumption that a single girl staying alone and refusing to allow the landlord access to the apartment at any time, lead the landlord to believe that she was going to start a prostitution business. How that conclusion was made is beyond me. This particular girl had and has had a steady boyfriend since coming here and never had any male visitors apart from that.

 

It's so strange to me that Indian society is suspicious over a woman wanting to live alone. My teacher friend did find a landlord that would rent to her and only her, and she loves the place because she got what she wanted with free reign to paint the walls and hang pictures (we can't do that either). But I also hate the requirement that a woman has to be a "WIFE OF" or "DAUGHTER OF" in order to sign a lease, fill out an application for a cell phone, or open a bank account. Currently my dad's name is on my PAN card (kind of like a social security card, it's used for tax identification purposes).

 

When will women stand up and demand their independence? When will it be socially acceptable to be a self supporting female? A woman shouldn't have to be handed directly from her father to her husband. When will she require more - more of society and more of herself?