What I Wish Every Indian Parent Would Consider

I came across this coincidentally while in the middle of my arranged marriage series. I felt it was not only timely, but presented a very compassionate view on not only marriage, but life in general including the relationships and responsibilities between parents and their children, addressing who is in control and who is not.

 

About the speaker: Ismail Musa Menk was born in Harare, Zimbabwe. He was tutored by his father who is a well known scholar and Da’ee. He completed his hifz and recitation courses at an early age and learnt the Arabic and Urdu languages whilst studying Shariah under his father. At the same time he attended an Academic College in Harare where he completed his secondary secular education. He then attained a degree in Shariah from the University of Madinah and later specialised in Iftaa at Darul Uloom Kantharia in Gujarat. - See more on his fan page.

 

I wish every parent in India would view this, religious affiliation aside. I think there's some valuable lessons not only about marriage, but about relationships in general.

Girl Shopping Part 3: Follow Up Interview(s)

In my experience, families don't entertain more then one possible match a time. After the first interview, they'll take some time to decide whether they want to pursue the match they most recently met, and if the answer is no, then they'll look for another match. They don't generally have multiple first meetings before deciding on the follow up meetings.

Once they decide that they'd like to meet a girl and her family for a second time, meetings will take place usually in both the grooms and brides homes. Generally additional extended family members will be invited to help size up the situation. Sometimes the bride or groom will be part of the meeting as well.

These meetings are a bit more laid back, unscripted, and less formal. Although you're still expected to wear a fancy dress, because impressions are still being made and it's important that the entire family presents well (remember What Not To Wear).

Generally after this second and third visit (one to each household) a decision will be made. It's quite likely that the bride and groom still haven't been alone together to talk. We tried this with the family I was with, and after a few minutes, the sister of the bride went into the room with the bride and groom, and, worried that the groom was out numbered, I asked for permission to join them. Naturally the bride's sister was the one doing all the talking and the  bride and groom were just sitting there silent. So it ended up with just the brides sister and I talking.

I tried sharing some information about the groom, like about what kinds of things he was good at, what dishes he prepared well, thinking talking him up was a benefit at that point. After I got a sharp look from him, I realized it was better to keep my mouth shut. Then it got awkward, so I left them to their own devices. What do I know?

After we left, I asked the groom if he was upset with me for saying so much. He said not everything needed to be revealed before the wedding and that there should be some surprises for afterwards. I'm thinking that you'd want to put your strengths out there to help in the decision making, especially if you're interested in the other person. Don't you want to sell yourself a little? Again, what do I know?

Educated Housewives

In my previous post, I shared a story about one of the girls I interviewed during the "Great Bride Search" who, although she had an Engineering degree, dreamed of being a housewife. I understand that sometimes what we go to school for isn't what we end up being when we grow up. Life takes us down different paths than we plan for ourselves.  The job pool has gone dry. Things happen. No big deal.

I also have no qualms about someone dreaming of being a housewife. Maybe raising a few kids, taking care of the exceptional amount of work that is involved in keeping a household and family running.

I also understand that sometimes, even though we achieve our educational goals and spend a few years paving a career path, life leads us to shift our priorities and we decide that being home is the best option for us. That all works for me.

After meeting a few of the potential matches and hearing similar stories of girls with amazing degrees wanting to stay home to cook and clean, I asked my husband what the deal was.  These girls who've earned such impressive degrees, plan to do absolutely nothing with them. He explained: They wanted to marry into a good family. Or their parents forced them to take up a particular course of study so that they could marry into a good family.

These girls have no interest in what they studied. They'll never apply it in the workforce. They didn't earn their degrees with the plan of ever working outside the home. Don't get me wrong, earn as many degrees in lines of study that interest you and do what you want with them, but these girls aren't even interested in what they studied. It seems having an Engineering degree, MBA, or the like is just a ticket into a nicer house to clean for the rest of your life.

I guess for me, the bottom line is, I don't like school that much. If I'm taking classes, it's because it's something I'm interested in pursuing, not simply for namesake with zero intent on application.

This just feels like one more big gimmick in the whole match process. What do you think? Share your thoughts below.

An Afterthought: I think the reason this bothers me so much is I never want to be financially dependent on a man. If I have earning potential, I'm gonna utilize it!